


Breathe Again

by ysar



Series: A Blazing Sun [1]
Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drama, F/M, Romance, Teen Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-03
Updated: 2012-09-01
Packaged: 2017-11-06 17:31:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 24,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/421495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ysar/pseuds/ysar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know those fics where Edward doesn't come back and Bella forgets about him and five seconds later she's in bed with Jacob and none of it makes any damned sense?<br/>Yeah, this isn't one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dilemma (Bella's POV)

**Author's Note:**

> This story picks up from the moment in New Moon when Jacob has driven Bella home after the cliff diving incident, right before he catches the scent of Alice. Only in this telling, Alice wasn't looking, so there's no sudden appearance at Bella's house, no Rosalie calling Edward and sending him on a suicidal mission to Volterra, and no reason for Bella to do anything but believe that Edward didn't love her anymore. This is simply a story of what might have happened if everyone stayed mostly in character and Edward's return was delayed. Yes, delayed. Because we all know that he was "this close" to coming back on his own anyhow.
> 
> * First in a series of stories that tell of Bella and Jacob during Edward's absence, Bella's start at college, and the Cullens' eventual return.

 

* * *

...and the moment was over. Jacob was around the truck before I could snap out of it, opening my door for me. I hesitated, wondering if there was a way I could salvage the chance I'd lost. But I lost my courage and hopped out quickly, unable to meet his eyes. I could tell he was watching me, brow probably furrowed, slight frown on his lips. As if he was trying to read my mind. But my mind had never been as easy to read as my face. Even _I_ couldn't make sense of my thoughts.

I trudged toward the house with Jacob one step behind me. Reaching the door, I turned to him. Maybe if I looked him in the eye, maybe then I would know for sure. But that would have been too easy.

"Bells?" he began. I was right; his brow was scrunched and the corners of his mouth turned down. But his eyes were a mystery. They were almost Sam's eyes, distant and guarded. Yet I saw a flash of _my_ Jacob for an instant. Then it was gone.

His too-warm hand reached for mine, then quickly let go. "Don't worry. One of us will be here tonight, too. Now get some sleep. You look awful."

"Thanks, Jacob," I mumbled. "I don't know what I'd do without you." _And I have no idea what I should do with you_ , I added silently.

I unlocked the door and stepped inside, fumbling for the light switch. I turned to see if he was coming in, but he was gone.

* * *

Thinking was getting dangerous, at least in terms of my remaining sanity. I washed the few dishes that were in the sink and dug through the fridge for leftovers. I wasn't hungry, but Charlie might be. I guessed he was at the Clearwaters' house, so who knew when he'd be back. I arranged what was left of last night's dinner on a plate, covered it in plastic wrap, and returned it to the fridge. I scrawled a quick note to Charlie, complete with how long to microwave the meal, left it on the kitchen table, and dragged myself upstairs to my room.

A quick check of my email revealed one long-winded note from Renee. There was so much I couldn't (or shouldn't) tell her, so I quickly ran out of things to say and hit send after typing only a few sentences. Well, _that_ took all of three minutes.

I desperately needed a shower, but that would just give me more time to think. So I changed into my old sweats and crawled under the quilt, ready to face the confusing maze of my thoughts and the eventual nightmares that always followed.

Jacob. My best friend. My _only_ friend, if I was being realistic. He loved me in spite of what he was and what I couldn't be. Without him I had nothing, I _was_ nothing---nothing more than the zombie that took over when Edward left me. He'd defied his pack for me, placed himself in danger every night to protect me, and never asked me to be anything more or less than what I was. Sure, his newly acquired supernatural status had caused some problems, but he hadn't abandoned me---not the way Edward had. Not permanently.

Jacob knew me better than anyone, better than I knew myself. Was that it? Was I so busy questioning myself, trying to decipher my twisted emotions and tangled thoughts, while Jacob had it all figured out? I remembered Edward's cool embrace, his marble lips, his golden eyes...what was left of my heart wrenched tightly in my chest. Then I thought of Jacob's warm arms wrapped around me, his infectious laughter, and his ability to keep me from falling to pieces again... The pain choking my heart relaxed and I could breathe.

* * *

I awoke feeling less than rested and, as usual, screaming. And, God, my throat hurt. Maybe inhaling sea water wasn't such a good idea after all. I guess I'd be leaving the cliff-diving to the Quileutes from now on. I dressed quickly and headed downstairs. Charlie was in the kitchen staring at a cup of coffee.

"Jake called," he said, snapping out of his thoughts for a minute. Harry's funeral was today. Charlie must have been taking it harder than I thought. He didn't even look away from his coffee. I walked over and gave him a quick hug, holding him a bit tighter than usual, then grabbed the coffee pot and poured a cup for myself.

"Coffee, Bella? Didn't you get enough sleep?" he asked.

Caffeine and I didn't usually get along. Then again, maybe we got along _too_ well, which was why I normally avoided it altogether. I had enough trouble staying upright. Caffeine just sped up my falls, and hyper-clumsiness was far from attractive---or safe. Not that I'd cared much about my looks or safety lately. But after yesterday, and the restless sleep I'd gotten last night, coffee sounded good. "It's just one of those days, Dad," I explained.

"Yeah, I guess it is."

We sat there in silence for a while, both staring at our coffee more than drinking it. Sure, the situation was awful, what with Harry's death and my inability to think straight, but at the time I really appreciated that neither of us felt the need to fill the silence with small talk and mindless chatter. Finally Charlie walked to the sink, poured out what was left of his coffee, and grabbed his keys.

"I'm headed back over to Sue's. The funeral isn't till this afternoon, but she could probably use the company."

"Ok, Dad. I'm probably just going to hang out here all day, but I'll leave you a note if I decide to go anywhere." Normally he would have asked questions, like where did I think I might go, but this time he just nodded and left. Great. More time by myself...to think.

I dumped out my coffee, too, and walked over to the window. Edward's voice in my head had told me to be happy, and I wanted so badly to be, even though I knew it wasn't entirely possible. I'd spent my recent past nearly killing myself just to hear his voice. If I was going to allow Jacob to be more than just my friend, I couldn't very well keep putting my life in danger just for imagined moments with Edward. Would I continue hearing him if I stopped all my foolishness? Did I _want_ to? _Could_ I? There was a movement, a flash of color in the shadows behind the trees. I wondered if it was Jake, and if he was watching me at that moment. I probably looked awful. Well, I could at least do my thinking in the shower.

* * *

I was just getting my hair wrapped in a towel when the phone rang. _Crap!_ I'd forgotten all about Jacob's phone call.

"Hello?"

_"Bella? You okay?"_ asked Jacob.

"Ah, sure. Why? Has something happened?" My heart stopped. Had Victoria gotten close?

_"No, I was just checking on you,"_ he quickly explained, _"...after yesterday. And you didn't call me back."_

I guess that hadn't been him in the woods. "You worry too much, Jacob. I just slept in a bit. And the closest I've come to death today was slipping in the shower."

_"Knowing you, I'm sure that was a close call,"_ he laughed. _"So are you going to the funeral with Charlie?"_

I probably should go. Charlie might need the moral support. Who was I kidding? Charlie was just like me in that respect. Grief was better handled alone. Besides, he'd have lots of friends there who were far better at this kind of thing. "No, I don't think so. Charlie doesn't need to spend the whole time worrying about me."

_"Bella? Are you sure you're okay? You seemed a little...off when I left last night."_

_See?_ I said to myself. _Jacob does know me better than anyone._ "I'm just still half-asleep, Jacob."

_"Okay, Bells,"_ he replied with a tinge of uncertainty. _"Call me later."_ And the moment was gone again.

If only sleep didn't bring with it nightmares. I knew better than to crawl back into bed and give them another shot at me. So I set the phone back in the cradle and picked up the newspaper.

The crossword puzzle seemed like a good way to keep my mind busy for a little while. Unfortunately, this particular crossword was more difficult than I anticipated, and I found myself wishing Edward was here to help me. _Edward._ The hole in my chest ripped open and I found myself gasping for air. I wrapped my arms tightly around my chest and concentrated on breathing. Clearly sitting around here all day was not going to work. I needed Jacob.

I hurried back up to my room and threw on the first clothes I could get my hands on: a pair of ragged jeans and faded button-up blouse. It was a little cool for something so thin, but I had a coat. Besides, Jake was practically an electric blanket. I grabbed my keys and penned a quick note to Charlie across the face of the crossword puzzle. I practically ran to my truck.

* * *

_**Jacob** _

It always happened this way. I would hug her, or try to comfort her, and just when it seemed that something incredible was in reach, Bella caught herself. She would tense up or pull away, or crack a joke, reminding me that we were just friends. Just friends. There was nothing _just friendly_ about our relationship. We were so much more than that. Only in her mind, it was like we were family. In my mind it was something entirely different...and impossible. This was just the way things were, and I had to accept it. I didn't have to like it.

I opened her truck door and waited for her to climb out. She sat there for a minute, probably trying to think of a new way to tell me just how "just friends" we were, then stepped down. I watched a tangle of emotions play across her face and waited for her to look up at me. But she didn't - she just headed for the door. True to form, I followed her. I would have followed her anywhere, and she knew it.

"Bells?" I said, reaching for her hand just as she turned to look at me. Why did she look disappointed? I let go. The perfect words to make her love me back were on the tip of my tongue but they were stuck. "Don't worry," I said instead. "One of us will be here tonight, too. Now get some sleep. You look awful." _Did I just tell her she looked awful? What's wrong with me?_

"Thanks, Jacob," she said. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

I retreated to the woods at the edge of her yard and stopped, watching her step into the house and turn on the light. She paused and turned around like she was expecting someone. Then the door shut behind her and I was left standing in the darkness, silently cursing myself for loving her.

* * *

I was running through the forest, relishing the wind whipping past me. I'd stayed there guarding Bella for hours until Jared showed up for his shift. I was free to do anything I wanted...but I only wanted to go back to Bella's.

I heard the crackle of minds and realized the entire pack was out tonight.

‘ _Any sign of her?'_ I silently asked.

‘ _No, we haven't crossed her scent at all since she got away,'_ came Sam's reply.

I was relieved and disappointed all at once. The vampire hunting Bella had not attempted to slip past us since we'd chased her off. It meant Bella was safe, but it also meant she was still out there somewhere, waiting for her next chance. I was immediately consumed with fear and rage at the thought of her finding Bella. I half-hoped she'd return tonight. Our pack was ready to destroy her.

‘ _Steady, Jake. We'll get our chance soon enough.'_

‘ _Think of it as a night off.'_

‘ _Maybe she gave up.'_

Too bad we couldn't take out the Cullens at the same time. It was their fault all this was happening. If they'd never moved back to Forks, Bella wouldn't be in danger. She wouldn't have fallen for that leech who abandoned her. She wouldn't have been afraid to love me. I wouldn't have turned into a monster.

‘ _Go home, Jake. Get some sleep,'_ said Sam.

I had no secrets from them. When we were wolves, our minds were connected. They could hear my thoughts, usually centered around Bella. I could hear theirs, too, and they were getting sick of my preoccupation with her. They'd finally stopped giving me a hard time about it, but Sam hated it when I turned my anger toward myself, toward what I had become.

I quickened my pace, everything around me blurring as I practically flew through the woods and into La Push. A few more seconds and I would be home. Daylight would come soon and I was tired. I knew I would dream of her.

* * *

A door slammed loudly, and if I hadn't been so exhausted, I might have sat straight up in bed. As it was, I just rubbed my eyes and turned to look at the clock. _Wow. Three whole hours of sleep._ I lay there for a few minutes, trying to force myself back to dreaming, but it was no use. I lumbered into the kitchen and grabbed the phone.

" _Hello?"_

"Hey, Charlie. Is Bella there?" Of course she was there. The only time she wasn't there was when she was at school or with me.

" _She's still sleeping, Jake. I'll tell her you called."_ He sounded really out of it. I remembered that today was Harry's funeral. That would explain it. And before I could say anything else: Click.

At least she wasn't working. I didn't leave La Push much---at least not in human form---but once or twice I'd gone by when she was working at the Newtons' store. And I saw the way that Newton kid looked at her.

I dropped onto the sofa. Would she call me back? Should I wait a while and try again? How long should I wait? I wanted to get out of the house, but what if I missed her call? I felt just like one of the girls in those silly movies my sisters used to watch, over-thinking something as simple as a phone call.

Couldn't Bella see that I was better for her than that leech she was still pining over? What the hell had he done to her to mess her up so bad? And why wouldn't she let me fix it? I remembered the first time I'd seen her at the beach and we'd wandered away from everyone else. She'd been so beautiful, and she spent the whole night talking to me. Then when she'd shown up here with the bikes, it was like seeing a ghost. All the life had gone out of her eyes. But I still thought she was beautiful. And she'd still spent all her time with me. She looked a little more alive lately---when she wasn't coughing up seawater---but she still wasn't the Bella I remembered from the beach.

And then there was the afternoon that had terrified me. Hearing her scream, seeing her go under the rough waves...I don't think I'd ever been so scared. And when I got her to shore, she'd looked dead. If Sam hadn't been there I don't know that I could have held myself together. It had been so much easier before I'd changed. We'd spent every spare moment together. Her smile had grown a little more sincere, and sometimes she'd laughed like she was truly happy. She'd lit up when we rode the bikes---usually right before she crashed, but still... And then I'd become a monster. The pack had taken me away from her. I had to give her credit, though. As much as I hated what I'd become, it didn't seem to phase her. And at least now I could protect her. But I missed her. Even now that our friendship was back to normal, we didn't get much time together. I hated vampires. And I hated that bloodsucking Edward Cullen most of all.

* * *

Too much time had passed and I hadn't heard from her. I knew one of the pack would be at her house, keeping her safe. But I needed to hear her voice.

" _Hello?"_

"Bella? You okay?" I asked.

" _Ah, sure. Why? Has something happened?"_

"No, I was just checking on you...after yesterday. And you didn't call me back."

" _You worry too much, Jacob. I just slept in a bit. And the closest I've come to death today was slipping in the shower."_

Oh, God. Bella in the shower. Why'd she have to go and put that image in my head? "Knowing you, I'm sure that was a close call," I joked. "So are you going to the funeral with Charlie?"

" _No, I don't think so. Charlie doesn't need to spend the whole time worrying about me."_

"Bella? Are you sure you're okay? You seemed a little off when I left last night."

_"I'm just still half-asleep, Jacob."_

"Okay, Bells." She was a terrible liar. "I guess I should let you finish waking up."

I returned to the couch and leaned back with a sigh. I should have asked her to come over. Or maybe I should have gone to her place. I should have done anything but stay away from her. I closed my eyes and went back to dreaming of her. In my dreams, she loved me back...


	2. Moments

Jacob's car was nowhere to be seen. The shades were drawn, and everything was quiet. I knew I should have called first. He was probably at the Clearwaters' too, but since I'd driven all this way, I could knock and make sure.

No answer. _Looks like I'm all alone_ , I thought. I turned and headed back to my truck, wondering how I was supposed to survive on my own for a whole day. _Maybe I should just..._

"Bella!"

I turned to see Jacob standing in the doorway. He was massive. He stood at least a foot taller than me, every inch of his body sinewy muscle. Every time he took my hand, mine just disappeared in his impressive grasp. I stood there, momentarily dumbfounded. He looked like he'd just crawled out of bed.

"Sorry, Jake. I didn't mean to wake you. I was just..." _Completely alone? Lost? Dying inside? What_ _was_ _I doing here?_ "Where's your car?"

"Admit it. You can't live without me," he smirked. I just stared at him. "And Embry's got my car. Why?" In just a few long strides, he'd crossed the yard to stand in front of me.

He was right, of course. For months, I'd been hanging on to him as if I couldn't live without him. I was so grateful to have him, but I hated that my weakness was so apparent. I could feel the tears welling up and I fought to hold them back. I knew better than to try speaking. That would just turn on the waterworks, and I didn't know what to say anyhow. I just looked up at him, counting on him to hold me together like he always did.

"Oh, Bells..." he murmured as he pulled me against his chest. As usual, he wasn't wearing a shirt. What was it about werewolves and the inability to stay clothed? I pressed closer, folding into his inhuman warmth and wrapped my arms around his waist. There, enveloped in this mountain of a boy, I was safe. Whatever had been constricting my lungs released.

At some point, he must have let go and led me inside. We were sitting on the sofa, his arm around me, and he was flipping through the channels with the remote. He finally stopped at a cooking show and then leaned back into the couch, pulling me closer. I knew he wasn't the least bit interested in how to make the perfect quiche, but he knew I was. I wondered when he'd gotten me all figured out like that. After a couple of episodes, I turned a little, pulled my knees up and tucked them against him, and I lay my head on his chest.

My eyes drifted away from the show and took in the perfection I was leaning against. He really was beautiful. His coppery skin pulled tight across the kind of muscles most men wanted and most women fantasized about. He was flawlessly sculpted and so, so warm. It was hard to believe this was the same boy who'd fallen for my inept flirting last year. Back then I'd thought he was cute. Now I looked at the man holding me, and...nope, I wasn't going to let my thoughts go there! His left hand hovered, absently twirling a bit of my hair around his fingers. God, even his hands were large and perfect.

Edward had been perfect, too, but in a completely opposite way. Whereas Edward was cool and hard as granite, Jacob's soft skin was incredibly warm. Edward's arms were always wrapped around me, but he'd kept me at a safe distance. Jacob was always pulling me closer. With Edward I'd always felt safe, like he would protect me from any threat, but with Jacob I felt safe because nothing was threatening me. At least that's what it _felt_ like.

I sighed and pointed my eyes back to the TV. I had only been awake for a couple of hours, but I was sure I could close my eyes and fall asleep here with him, without the usual nightmares. And that must have been exactly what happened, because when I came to, the quiche was history and a new host was introducing something unpronounceable.

I could hear his heartbeat through his chest, and without thinking, I reached out one hand and placed it over the source. It quickened.

His hand was absently tracing an invisible trail on my back, and I felt his breath in my hair. Something brushed my forehead...his lips. And I pressed closer to him.

"Bella?" he started in a coarse voice as I felt his body stiffen. I'd surprised him. He was used to me pulling away. But this time it felt like he pulled away a little.

"Shut up, Jake."

His hand went back to tracing patterns and he relaxed. Maybe words weren't necessary. Surely he knew me well enough to feel how incomplete I was. He couldn't have noticed every _other_ detail about me, even those I hadn't realized myself, and not known I was damaged. Yes, I knew he did. But it still had to be said. "Jacob?"

"I thought I was supposed to shut up," he laughed. But I could feel him tense again and start to pull away, so I snuggled in closer, turning my face into his chest. He didn't pull away, but he didn't relax either.

Why was I having such a hard time with this? With Edward I had been confident, almost brazen. Had it been because I knew that Edward was holding back, that he would always stop me? Yet there I was with Jacob, who I was sure loved me, and I suddenly felt like I was incapable of communicating my feelings, my _desires_ to him. Why was I so unsure of myself? _Don't be stupid,_ I told myself. _This is Jacob, my Jacob, whom I can say anything to. Sure, sometimes he laughs, but then he hugs me so tight I can't breathe. Just say it!_

"You know I'm..." I trailed off. _Words! I needed words!_ "...broken, right?"

"You're not broken, honey. You're just..."

"Broken." I cut him off. "We both know it." It was now or never. "But you still love me, right?"

"Yes." It was barely a whisper.

"And you still...want me...right?"

"Yes." I didn't even hear it this time. I just felt it vibrate through his chest.

"I don't think I can...I don't know. Not like I could before."

His fingertips found my chin, and he raised my face so that I had no choice but to look him in the eye. His expression was confused, and then understanding softened his face. "Do you love me, Bella?"

"Yes," I replied without hesitation. But we both knew that. The question was what kind of love? And was it enough? His eyes narrowed and flashed with an emotion I couldn't place.

His gaze was locked on mine, searching for those same answers. I had to look away, but he wasn't going to let me turn my head. I dropped my eyes and simply looked down. His lips brushed over my hair, then across my forehead, trailing that incredible warmth, and I felt my breath catch. His heartbeat sputtered beneath my palm and he sighed, dropping his hand from my chin and wrapping his arms around me. I buried my face against his neck.

I _was_ safe with Jacob. It didn't matter that my thoughts were spinning or my words were lost or my heart was all but missing. Sure, he was a werewolf, but he was strong enough to hold me together when I should have been falling apart. And unlike my last boyfriend, he wasn't constantly fighting the urge to kill me. I knew he could never be Edward, but then again I wasn't really Bella anymore either. And he loved me anyhow. I could stay there in his arms forever and keep the hole in my chest at a dull ache. He was my sun. Would that be enough for him? Was that even fair?

I steeled myself against my fears, searching for the courage to finish saying what I had started, when his arms suddenly released me. His eyes flashed with pain and then went hard and cold. He slid away from me and I shivered at the loss of his warmth. _Not again! Why couldn't I get this right?_ I scrambled after him, pulling myself as close as I could, burrowing my face against his neck, and placed my hand back over his heart. He held himself rigid but I felt his arms return lightly around me. His breathing was steady but his heartbeat wasn't. I had to say something, do something, before he pulled away again.

My fingers drifted up his chest to his neck, uncertainly over his jaw, and I raised back to look at him. His was glaring at me, his eyes burning with fury, and I visibly cringed. My hand started shaking, and I turned my face to his neck.

His arms tightened around me, and I held my lips over his skin, momentarily afraid to touch against it, barely breathing. What if he pushed me away? He'd never shied away from me before. Of course, I'd never given him the chance. Just then, his grip on me strengthened, and he began to turn his face toward me. I didn't want to see what was in his eyes. I pressed my lips firmly against his neck as my shaky hands snuck up, vainly trying to keep him from pulling away again, and a silent rumble echoed through his body. Suddenly I was flat on my back across the sofa.

Jacob was stretched out above me, supporting his weight over me, and hovering so close I couldn't feel anything but the warmth radiating from him. His dark eyes bore into mine flashing with anger, desperation, and something else. Hope?

"Bella?" he questioned, his eyes begging for an explanation. There was so much I should be saying; so much I had to make clear, but I couldn't arrange my thoughts into words. My only answer was my hands, resting for a moment against his chest, then rushing around his back to clasp him to me.

His mouth found mine and my eyes fluttered shut as I felt his body relax onto mine. I should have been crushed, but he rested his weight on his elbows as his hands pulled my face to his. His mouth was so warm, so gentle against my lips, so unlike the overwhelming power I could feel surging somewhere behind his kiss. I clung to him with desperation, silently preparing myself for the moment he realized how wrong I was for him and pulled away. The tighter I held on, the more urgent his kiss became, compelling my lips to part.

For the first time, I didn't have to be careful, didn't have to hold back. Jacob could hold me without accidentally killing me. Without the risk of venom, I could actually taste him, allowing his tongue to brush mine and linger in my mouth. I'd never been kissed like this. It was shocking...and wonderful.

He rolled to his side, pulling me with him, pressing me tightly against the lines of his body now that his weight wasn't an obstacle. His lips broke from mine and I frantically tried to pull him back. _No!_ I thought, wildly gasping for air, _Don't stop yet!_ My eyes flew open as his mouth trailed down my throat, nipping at my collarbone.

Jacob had one arm wrapped under me, as my hands alternated between pulling desperately at his shoulders and creeping between us to trace the lines of his chest. His free hand wandered down my ribcage and up again, and without thinking I slung one leg up around him. A new sound vibrated through him followed by an unrestrained whimper. _Did that whine come from me?_ My eyes drifted closed again as my body arched.

His hand flew down to my thigh, gripping tightly, then his fingers splayed across the small of my back, dipping lower across the seat of my jeans, anchoring me against him. I felt him rolling me back again, pressing his weight against me as he pulled one of my arms from around his neck. _Now it's happening. Now he remembers I'm too damaged, and he's letting me go._ But then his hand trailed back up my arm, to my shoulder, down my neck. He gently slipped my top button loose, exposing just a sliver of the bra beneath.

I wanted to reach down and refasten the button. At the same time I was wishing I'd worn a nicer bra, something lacy and sexier than the plain cotton one had on. Of course, I hadn't been planning on Jacob seeing my underwear today!

His lips grazed my throat then dipped lower. I was breathing too hard, gulping in air and releasing it in uncontrolled gasps. His mouth traced along the top of my bra as his hand crept up my ribcage. Every nerve in my body was twitching with fire. Just then his teeth pulled at the top of the bra and his tongue darted just beneath it. At the same time he ran his hand up the front of my blouse, his thumb brushing over my breast, and his hips began to press into mine. _Oh my God. What was he_ _doing_ _? What was_ _I_ _doing?!_

If I could have jumped back, I would have. But I was pinned underneath him, pressed against the couch cushions. "Jake!" I gasped. "Jacob, stop. _Please stop_ ," I begged. Instantly, he spun us over, pulling me half on top of him, one hand tangled in my hair, clutching me against his chest. His hands held me tightly to him but stopped their movement. His chest rose and fell rapidly beneath my cheek. He wasn't going to let me go, but it didn't matter. I was nowhere near catching my breath and I was pretty sure my legs were useless.

Eventually my lungs started working correctly and the fire pulsing through me waned. I noticed he was breathing more normally, too. I closed my eyes and tried to block out the thoughts screaming through my mind.

"Too much?" he chuckled. His chest shook beneath me. _He was laughing at me?_

"Yes," I replied, breathlessly. I couldn't get my head around it. So much had just happened. What was supposed to be a kiss had gone too far, and now Jake was laughing about it. Surely he didn't think we were going to...have sex?

"You sure about that?" he laughed.

"Way too much!" I snapped, launching myself off him and ran for the door.

"Bella, wait!"

He was in front of me in a second, and I lost my balance trying not to slam into him. He caught my shoulders before I could fall, and I looked up to see nothing but laughter behind his smirk.

What had taken me forever to work up to, the kiss that broke my heart yet made it whole all at the same time, it was nothing but a joke to him.

"Let go of me, Jacob!" I hissed at him, trying to wrench myself from his grasp.

"C'mon, Bells! Don't be mad." He could barely contain himself. Any moment now he was going to be laughing hysterically.

"You can't just - do _that_ \- just because I kissed you, Jacob You can't---!"

"You weren't mad a minute ago," he added with a chuckle.

Maybe not, but now I was. And that could lead to only one thing: tears.

"Hey, Jake! You in there?" came from the front door.

Great. Embry was here. Could this get any worse?

Still laughing, Jacob let go of me and went to open the door. I spun away, unable to face either of them and stared at the TV.

"Hey, thanks for letting me borrow the car," Embry said as he strolled in. "And you heard about the bonfire on Saturday, right? Those girls we met will be there! Paul‘s got dibs on Laura, but I hear Maria's only coming to see you. I _know_ you remember her. The _really_ curvy one with---" he stopped suddenly. "Oh! Hey, Bella. Sorry, I didn't know you were here."

"I'm not!" I snapped as I shoved past him and out the door.

The tears were a steady stream now. I yanked my truck door open and scrambled inside. I could hear their laughter echoing from the house as I angrily wiped at my tears with the back of my hand. For once, I wished I had a faster vehicle. The drive home took way too long.

* * *

_**Jacob** _

I turned over groggily. Was someone knocking? I lugged myself off the sofa and reluctantly walked to the window. Bella's truck! I ran to throw open the door.

She was walking away? "Bella!" I yelled.

She turned around, a troubled expression on her face. "Sorry, Jake. I didn't mean to wake you. I was just..." she paused like she was searching for the right words. "Where's your car?"

"Admit it. You can't live without me," I joked. Truth be told, it was _I_ that couldn't live without _her._ But she didn't smile. "And Embry's got my car. Why?" I rushed over to her. _Why does she look like she's going to cry?_ She looked so vulnerable. "Oh, Bells..." I sighed. I didn't know what to do except hold her. She leaned into me and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. We stood there for a few minutes in silence. When it was clear she wasn't going to cry, I reached for her hand and took her inside.

It didn't seem like she wanted to talk, and I had no idea what to say, so I led her to the sofa and turned on the TV. I must have gone through fifty channels, but finally there was one that didn't look like the news or an infomercial. Bella was into cooking, so at least the scrawny guy in the apron would distract her from whatever was on her mind. And I didn't care what we watched as long as Bella was with me.

After about an hour of silence--and two tortuous sessions with the apron guy--Bella shifted closer to me, pulling herself into a little ball and laying her head on my chest. I wanted to pick her up and cradle her, but I reminded myself I should be happy with the one arm I had around her.

I could feel her eyelashes brushing against me, her breath blowing over my skin. I reached over to touch her face but caught myself, twirling a stray lock of her hair around in my hand instead. She sighed and after a moment, her breathing slowed. Had she fallen asleep? I wanted to see her face and find out, but I didn't want to move and break the moment.

My Bella. She wasn't the same sparkling girl I'd fallen for at that Newton kid's beach party so long ago. _That_ Bella had been bright, filled with life and laughter. _This_ Bella was always sad and often scared. But she was still beautiful, from her uneven lips to her unsteady feet. And she was curled up sleeping against me.

I felt her eyelashes flutter and her breathing changed. She moved one hand up to my chest. Without thinking, I stroked her back and kissed her the top of her head. Instead of pulling away, she snuggled closer. _This isn't like her_ , I thought, unconsciously sitting up a little straighter.

"Bella?" I didn't mean to sound so surprised.

"Shut up, Jake."

I smiled and resumed stroking her back. She didn't seem to mind.

"Jacob?"

She _did_ mind, and now she was going to tell me to back off. "I thought I was supposed to shut up," I laughed without humor. She pressed even closer. _Huh?_

"You know I'm...broken, right?"

"You're not broken, honey. You're just..."

"Broken. We both know it. But you still love me, right?"

"Yes," I whispered. _Where's she going with this?_

"And you still...want me...right?"

"Yes," I said again. At least I tried to, but I was so surprised by her question, I don't think I made a sound.

"I don't think I can...I don't know. Not like I could before."

Love anyone. That's what she didn't think she could do. Anyone but that bloodsucker, that is. Why was she bringing all this up again? Did she think she needed to remind me? _I_ had tried to keep the required distance. _She_ was the one who kept moving closer to _me_. Now I was thoroughly confused.

I cupped her chin and raised her face to mine. But the reproach I expected to see in her eyes wasn't there. Instead there was doubt, insecurity, and something softer I didn't want to believe. _Well, hell. It's not like she hasn't said no to me before._ "Do you love me, Bella?"

"Yes," she said instantly.

But I knew better than to think it was the kind of love I wanted. Of course Bella loved me--in a disappointingly platonic way. Why was she doing this to me, making me think for a second that I had a chance with her? Why couldn't she just get to the point and squash my hopes like she always did? I stared at her, waiting, praying I'd see the reason before she said it so I could lock down my emotions before she saw my heart break. She tried to turn her head away, but I couldn't let her. I _needed_ to understand her.

I couldn't make her look at me, though. She dropped her eyes, and I crumbled, like I always did with her. She loved me as much as she could, in the only way she was capable, and I had to be okay with that. I kissed her on the head again and heard her breath catch.

I'd meant for the kiss to be comforting. Instead it had bothered her. I _knew_ I should have just been happy with her nearness, her _friendship_ , and left it at that. I sighed and pulled my hand back from her face. It had been so nice to have her close, and I'd ruined it. I hugged her to me, trying to wordlessly tell her that it was okay, that _I_ was okay with how things were. I felt her tense. She didn't try to escape my arms, but she was definitely not relaxed anymore.

I was instantly furious with myself. How could I be so stupid as to believe for one second that she was over him, that she would choose me? I _knew_ better. And I couldn't keep holding her so close. It was killing me.

She looked up at me, worry in her eyes, and I inched away from her. Would that be enough distance to make her comfortable? But she just followed me, hiding her face against my neck and putting her hand back on my chest. It was torture. And it was about to get worse.

Her hand moved up my chest, over my throat. I'd dreamed of her touching me like this, but in here, in reality, it was a nightmare. _Doesn't she know what she's doing to me?_ Her hand drifted along the line of my jaw and she looked at me again. I wanted to throw her off me and run away. I wanted to crush her against me and kiss her. I was pretty sure she was trying to kill me. I had to say something. This was too much to bear. I turned my face down to her and-

I felt it, I felt _her_. Her lips were on my neck. She was kissing me? She was kissing me! Every sane thought was gone from my mind. Bella was kissing me. _She_ was kissing _me_.

I abruptly threw her back on the couch and stretched out over her, careful to hold myself up off her. "Bella?" _Please tell me this is okay. Please say this is what you want. Me. Tell me you want me._ She wrapped her arms around me and I lost all control.

I kissed her and she didn't resist. If this was my chance I wasn't going to squander it. I relaxed, lowering myself against her. Her hands pulled at me, willing me to get closer, and I didn't hold back. Her lips parted under mine and I could taste her. She wasn't holding back either.

I rolled to my side, pulling her with me and kissed down her neck. Her breathing accelerated and she clung to me. Her hands were around my back, pulling at my waist, roaming over my chest. A whimper escaped her throat, her leg wrapped around me, and her body arched up against mine.

It didn't matter that she'd loved the vampire. It didn't matter that she'd ever loved _anyone_ before me. She was moving against _me_ , under _my_ hands. I didn't care that anyone else had coaxed this reaction, these noises from her before. I ran a hand down the side of her body, across the small of her back, over the swell of her hips. I pulled her roughly against me, my hand gripping, kneading over the thin denim of her jeans.

She was so soft, so perfect. She didn't resist when I released the top button of her blouse. I could feel her heart pounding underneath my lips and my senses were assaulted by a new, delicious scent. She was as aroused as I was-I could _smell_ it. I kissed down the center of her chest, over the soft skin swelling above her bra. We were both panting.

I wanted to rip her blouse off, but I couldn't. No matter how much I wanted her, I couldn't be anything but gentle with her. I swept my hand over the front of her blouse, running my thumb over one small, hard nipple. I couldn't stop my hips from pressing more urgently against her, and I heard her gasp my name. It was everything I had dreamed of. Then--

"Jacob, stop. _Please_ stop."

I rolled us both over, pulling her on top of me, and I just held her for a minute. I couldn't believe it. Bella had kissed me. She wanted to be with me. Finally! And while I would have preferred something more...romantic?...than a ratty old sofa, Bella didn't seem to mind.

For once I was grateful that the pack shared thoughts. Not that I really cared to share this with them, of course! But I had at least picked up a thing or two from listening to them. Sam let something slip once in a while, but while we were phased, he usually kept his mind on business. The rest of the guys--and Leah--were another story.

Leah subjected us to a constant stream of thoughts of Sam. And the guys had a nasty habit of purposely replaying details of their dates while we were phased. Their mental bragging was annoying, but now I was glad for it. They'd inadvertently told me exactly what to do-and what _not_ to do.

Bella was nearly two years older than me, and plenty of guys had chased her when she'd first moved in with her dad. She never talked about any old boyfriends, but I wasn't stupid. She was eighteen...and she was beautiful...and the way she kissed... Judging from the rate of her breathing I hadn't disappointed her. And it was probably a good thing we had stopped. _Sex on my dad's sofa isn't exactly what I had in mind_ , I thought with amusement.

"Too much?" I asked.

"Yes."

"You sure about that?" I couldn't resist teasing her.

"Way too much," she snapped and jumped up. Was she mad? She rushed toward the door. _Uh-oh._ She was mad. What just happened?

"Bella, wait!" I had to stop her. I couldn't let her run out just because I'd...what _had_ I done?

"Let go of me Jacob!"

"C'mon Bells! Don't be mad."

"You can't just--do _that_ \--just because I kissed you, Jacob You can't!"

Oh, okay, I got it. She didn't want me to think she was one of _those_ girls. Silly Bella. As if I could ever think that of _her_.

"You weren't mad a minute ago." I reminded her. If she just thought about it for a second, she'd realize that she enjoyed every second of it as much as I did.

"Hey, Jake! You in there?" I heard a voice calling from outside.

 _Dammit, Embry!_ I turned to let him into my friend into the house. Bella must have decided to save her anger for later, because she wasn't trying to leave anymore.

"Hey, thanks for letting me borrow the car," Embry said, walking in. "And you heard about the bonfire on Saturday, right? Those girls we met will be there! Paul's got dibs on Laura, but I hear Maria's only coming to see you! I _know_ you remember her. The _really_ curvy one with--oh! Hey, Bella. Sorry, I didn't know you were here."

"I'm not!" She ran out the door to her truck.

I wanted to strangle him--until I saw the sheepish grin on his face.

"I guess it's a good thing I didn't bring Maria here with me, huh?"

I had to laugh, partly at Embry, and partly because I was just so happy. Even if Bella _had_ just run out the door.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned previously, this is told in a dual POV format. Sometimes it's just so that we can see the very different perspectives that Jacob and Bella have, and sometimes it's to show what's going on when they're away from each other. I started it out this way because I'm a bit fascinated by the different ways people interpret things, and Jacob and Bella are the perfect example of that.


	3. Perceptions

Charlie wasn't home, so that was a plus. At least I didn't have to explain why my face was red and my eyes were all puffy. I drew a bath, unsure what to do with my time and hoping that the hot water would relax me.

What had just happened? Jacob was supposed to be my best friend. He was _supposed_ to love me. He most certainly was _not_ supposed to turn a kiss into an excuse to cop a feel! And then laugh about it? _With Embry?_ My tears had started out angry but now I was just humiliated. I hated Jacob. I hated Sam for taking my Jacob away and replacing him with that…that smirking, pompous, self-absorbed monster! I hated Edward for abandoning me to a pack of adolescent hormone-crazed wolves. I hated myself for being so gullible and stupid. I was seething with hatred for everything and everyone.

Edward and I had never really ventured beyond kissing. But I’d been with Edward for months. And I’d wanted a lot more than kissing. I’d even asked him about sex once---not because I planned on jumping in bed with him right then, but because I wanted to know if it was an option later on. I didn’t _really_ think I was going to wait until I was married. To be honest, I wasn’t too sure about marriage at all. But I was at least going to wait until I was ready. At the rate Jacob had been taking things, the wait would have been about ten more minutes.

It had been so hard for me to find the courage to turn to Jacob, to kiss him, to hope he really could be more than my best friend. I couldn’t understand how it had gone so wrong. _My_ Jacob had always been so patient with me. The Jake I’d seen today was completely different. What had happened wasn’t even a first date kind of thing—at least not as far as I was concerned. It was _maybe_ a third or fourth date kind of thing. _If_ you were in love. _If_ you had come to an understanding. And it had seemed like Jacob had wanted to take it to a ninety-ninth date kind of thing. What was he _thinking_? Was it the werewolf thing? Was this the kind of person he had become? Was that what he thought love was? Maybe I didn’t really know him at all.

I shivered. The warm water had faded to uncomfortably cool, and I was dismayed to find I hadn’t relaxed one bit. Now what was I supposed to do? Just about everything reminded me of Edward, and for months I’d had Jacob to help me escape the pain. Now the thought of Jake just made my blood boil. I toweled off quickly and grabbed my jeans again. But I left the offending blouse on the floor and opted for a sweatshirt instead. Much warmer, much more comfortable, and much less associated with anything distressing. I was considering taking a walk in the woods, hoping that bit of recklessness might bring Edward’s voice back to me, that hearing him might ground me, when the phone rang. _That had better not be Jake!_

"Hello?"

“Bella?” It was Angela.

“Hi,” I said, unable to hide the surprise in my voice. No one ever called for me anymore. Well, except Jake, and that was probably going to change now.

“Hey, Mike’s having a beach party tonight, and a bunch of us are going. I know you don’t really like...doing things, so much, anymore--,” She was trying so hard to be nice about it. “--but it would be so nice to have you there. Ben and I can pick you up if you want.”

I answered too quickly, “Sure. That sounds great.”

“ _Really_?” She sounded surprised, and for a moment I wondered if she’d just invited me to be polite, hoping I’d say no. But this was Angela. She didn’t have a manipulative bone in her body.

“Yeah, Ang, I could use a change.” I could use a whole new life, but that wasn't going to happen.

“Ok, we’ll be there at six. See you then!” she said excitedly.

I immediately regretted my decision. Angela had always been kind, even when everyone else decided I was crazy. And though I'd barely spoken to her for months while I was in my 'zombie phase,' she never held it against me. And Ben was nice, too. I mean, he was dating Angela, after all. While I was sure Mike would wonder when I’d rejoined the living, he’d never actually been rude to me. But then there was Jessica. And Lauren. (Groan) And any number of other people who would treat me like a leper. I resisted the urge to call Angela back and cancel, reminding myself that it was better than staying at home alone with my thoughts.

* * *

It was exactly as bad as I’d imagined. Lauren and Jessica didn’t even try to hide the fact that they were talking about me, and when I sat down on a big log serving as a bench by the fire, a few people actually got up and walked away. Angela kept me company at first, but before long she was sitting off to the side with Ben, completely unaware of anyone else. I couldn't blame her. I'd have done exactly the same thing if I had someone there who truly cared about me...

This was a terrible idea. Not only was I alone, but my thoughts were now drifting back to the last time I'd come to one of Mike's parties. The one where I’d met Jacob and flirted with him until he told me the truth about the Cullens. I was in my own personal hell.

“Hey, Bella.” Mike mercifully interrupted my depressing train of thought and I gave him a wan smile. “I would have invited you.”

_You're a bad liar, Mike._

“But I didn’t think you’d be interested.”

 _I guess I see your point._ “It's okay, Mike. I’m starting to think this wasn’t such a good idea.” I gestured toward everyone else, then myself, pointing out the obvious.

“Well, _I’m_ glad you're here,” he said as he sat down beside me, a little closer than I expected. “I've missed you.” He looked like he was about to reach for my hand, so I quickly pulled it up to push my hair behind my ear. He smiled brightly and didn’t seem to catch the rejection.

Mike made small-talk with me for what seemed like years, all the while throwing small rocks and twigs at Eric, who was trying to impress Katie—and was _not_ thrilled with the constant interruptions. We discussed classes and homework, sports (I just nodded and agreed with whatever he said, since I really had no clue), and working at his parents' store. The conversation was shallow, but at least it distracted me for a while. Mostly I just concentrated on avoiding his not-so-subtle attempts to hold my hand or put his arm around me.

After his tenth (or was it his twentieth?) story about football practice, he reached behind my back to toss something in Eric’s direction and slipped his arm around my shoulders before I could stop him. _Oh, well_ , I thought, _at least someone isn’t avoiding me like the plague._ I was trying to find a non-obvious way to wriggle out of his grasp when I saw them approach. Just like last time, the Quileute boys had decided to join us. _Wonderful_.

Sam was in the lead, of course. He didn’t look happy, but that was nothing unusual. Behind him were Paul, Jared, Embry...and Jacob. They were a sight to see, all of them tall and muscular, much bigger than any of the boys from school.

_Maybe I should have just drowned myself in the bathtub when I had the chance._

It only took a second for Jacob to notice me, and, upon glimpsing Mike, his mouth immediately drew down into a tight line. My dismay must have been apparent because Mike looked at me curiously then leaned close to say something I assume was supposed to be reassuring. I didn’t hear a word he said. I was too busy watching Jacob’s reaction. For a second I was thrilled. Jacob’s roaming hands had ruined everything, and now he would see that not only would I _not_ be used that way, but I had a life that didn’t include him. Then the hole in my chest opened up and my brief satisfaction was ruined.

Mike was still talking, and I nodded a few times, hoping it looked like I was listening. Jacob sat as far away from me as possible and Lauren wasted no time in turning all her attention to him. And why shouldn’t she? He was perfect. His skin glowed in the firelight and when he laughed it sent his muscles into ripples across his flawless chest. It didn’t hurt that, as always, he wasn’t wearing a shirt. She was laughing a little too loudly at his jokes and finding lots of excuses to touch his arm or brush his knee. He seemed to be eating it up. From what I’d heard of her escapades, she was perfect for him, too. I felt like I was going to be sick.

Mike finally got up to get a drink and, realizing no one was paying attention to me, I took the chance to slip away. I walked down the beach for a while, tripping a few times. When I was tired of picking myself back up, I perched myself on the edge of a large rock and stared out at the water. I half-hoped I would see Victoria’s flaming hair in the distance. At least then Edward would talk to me and I wouldn’t be so alone. Well, not completely alone…I always had my thoughts to torture me.

I wished I was back in Phoenix, where the sun was always shining and my friends weren’t monsters capable of killing me. I wished I could sleep without nightmares, without waking up screaming at the top of my lungs. I wished I had better sense than to fall for boys who thought nothing of abandoning me. I wished I knew how to fill the hole that was ripping me apart. I drew my arms tightly around my chest and tried fiercely to hold myself together.

“There you are,” said Sam.

I jumped at the sound of his voice. _How long have I been sitting here?_

“Your friends are worried about you.”

“I don't have any friends,” I sighed.

“You shouldn’t be out here by yourself.” Why did _he_ care? He was probably just glad I wasn’t with Jacob.

Something clattered on the rocks nearby, and we both turned.

“Bella!” called Mike, hurrying toward us. His eyes narrowed when he saw Sam. “I was looking for you,” he said as he eyed Sam suspiciously.

I almost laughed. This scenario was disturbingly familiar. “Well, you found me,” I said with a weak smile.

Sam stared out into the darkness and slipped away quietly.

“Come on. I’ll take you home.”

“That’s okay, Mike. I came with Angela—I should probably ride with her.”

“Well, I kind of told her to go ahead. So it looks like I’m your ride.” I think he was trying to sound apologetic, but he just sounded really happy. “It’s still early, though. We could find something in town to do for a while…,” he offered hopefully.

“I’m actually pretty tired. Would you mind just taking me home?” I wasn’t looking forward to riding with Mike, but I was definitely ready to leave.

* * *

We pulled in behind Charlie’s cruiser.

“Thanks for the ride,” I said quickly, hopping out and stumbling a little in my rush toward the door. _Please don’t let him follow me._ No such luck.

“I was thinking maybe you’d want to see a movie tomorrow? There are a couple of new ones out,” he said with a bright smile.

“Ah, I’m not really into movies right now, Mike.” _Or anything that involves men, supernatural or not,_ I added silently.

“Oh.” He looked confused, but not ready to back down. “Okay, then, we’ll skip the movie and just go out to eat.”

 _You have got to be joking!_ “I can’t. I have to cook for Charlie. He’ll starve without me.” I tried to sound firm. It didn’t work.

“That's too bad,” he said. "Angela really wanted you to come with us."

 _Angela?_ "So you're talking about a group thing?" I asked.

"Sure," he said. Then he grinned. "Except Lauren."

The mention of her name spun my mind in a whole different direction. Seeing Jake flirt with her all night had been agonizing, and my annoyance with Mike was suddenly replaced by anger at Jacob. The kind of anger that makes you agree to stupid things. "Okay then, I guess I could meet you all there."

"Actually, since we haven't exactly decided what to do, we should probably just pick you up. Is seven okay?"

"Alright," I agreed grudgingly. It would have been so much easier to leave early if I drove myself.

* * *

I'd failed to get a good night's sleep, as usual. I woke up screaming long before Charlie was up, and nothing could get my eyes to close again. The sun wasn't even out yet, although there was a weak glow in the eastern sky. It had been too long, and I'd been through too much since I'd last heard Edward's voice. I wandered into the woods in search of it.

I abandoned the trail quickly. It was too safe, and I knew that being safe was not the way to summon his voice. I felt like I'd walked for miles, but I'd probably only been gone an hour or two. With my luck I was just walking in circles. Suddenly I heard something nearby. I studied the forest around me but couldn't see it. I sat down and smiled to myself, waiting for Edward's voice. But nothing happened. I heard it again, and I stumbled up and walked toward it. _This is suicidal,_ I thought. _But it's worth it to hear him again,_ I reminded myself. I was greeted only by silence.

What was happening? Why couldn't I hear him? I'd roamed aimlessly in what I knew was a very dangerous place to be. I was all alone. Victoria might even be out here. There was no one to help me, no one to even know if anything terrible happened. I probably couldn't even find my way home. But still there was silence. I slowly spun around, silently begging for danger to leap from behind the trees. I finally just dropped to the ground and cried.

When there were no tears left, I pulled myself up and started walking again. It didn't matter which direction I was going---I didn't even care if I never found my way out of the woods. Occasionally I would hear something nearby and move toward it. But it was useless. His voice was gone. After only a few minutes, I emerged to find I'd wandered right back into my own yard.

* * *

I heard a car pull into the driveway---they were early. I pulled my mouth into what I hoped was a believable smile, and I stepped outside.

"Hey, Bella! You look nice," Mike said with enthusiasm. Clearly he needed glasses. Then again, maybe I did too, because I couldn't make out anyone else in his suburban.

"Where's everyone else? Are they meeting us there?" I asked.

His grin broadened.

_Oh, no. This is not a good sign._

"Sorry, but Angela and Ben cancelled. And Eric's going somewhere with Katie. Oh, and Tyler’s grounded,” he added.

I wondered if it was too late for me to cancel, too.

"So I guess it's just us!" a little too happily.

Why did I have the feeling this was planned? I couldn't come up with an excuse fast enough, so I reluctantly got in the passenger seat.

As he had before, Mike spent the evening regaling me with stories I barely listened to. I'm pretty sure he mentioned football a few thousand times, and we might have talked about a class or two, but I wasn't sure. The restaurant we went to was nice---not fancy nice, but nicer than fast food, so I tried to be gracious. Afterward he insisted on a movie and I was too apathetic to argue. Of course he picked out something romantic. Fortunately I didn't have a chance to let the saccharine sweet love story depress me even further, as I was too busy leaning away from him, trying to keep my hand away from his. I was so relieved when he finally drove me home.

I knew I couldn't stop him from walking me to my door. It had been all I could do to jump out of the suburban before he could make it around to my side. I just made sure I had my keys ready, mumbled something about not wanting to wake up Charlie (who probably wasn't even asleep yet), and moved quickly toward the house. I didn't even look back at him as I unlocked the door.

Before I could stop him, he spun me around and kissed me full on the mouth. I was too stunned to move. But then I felt his tongue push against my lips and I jumped back, knocking my head against the door.

He grinned and practically ran to his suburban. I just stood there, horrified and rubbing the soon-to-be knot on the back of my head, as he pulled out of the driveway. Before I could even begin to understand what had gone _so_ wrong, I saw something move in the shadows.

“I guess you got home safely,” said Jake, scowling as he stepped into the glow of the porch light.

“That was…” I started, but there were no words awful enough to describe what had just happened. Tears welled up in my eyes and I looked down quickly, hoping Jacob didn’t see. I would _not_ cry in front of him.

The door opened behind me and Charlie stepped out. “Where have you been?” he demanded. I guess I'd forgotten to tell him I had been tricked into the date from Hell. “Thanks for bringing her home, Jacob, but…Bells? What’s wrong?”

“Mike kissed me!” I blurted out before I could stop myself.

Charlie looked surprised. And pleased! “Well, Mike’s a good kid. You could do a lot worse.”

I knew he was referring to Edward, and I lost it. “Really? A lot worse than being tricked into a date with Mike when he promised me it was a group thing? Worse than him being stupid enough to think I want to go out with him?” My voice was cracking and I couldn’t hold back the tears, but I was too furious to stop. “Worse than him kissing me when I was just trying to get away from him?” I was screaming at him now. “Worse than boys who ruin something wonderful because they're too oversexed to know when to stop?" Okay, maybe that last part was really about Jacob. "Really, Dad? I could do worse than that? Thanks a lot! I have so much to look forward to!”

I didn’t even look at Jacob and I ignored Charlie’s shocked expression as I pushed past him to get inside. I stormed up to my room and didn’t even bother changing. I just crawled into bed and cried.

 

* * *

_**Jacob** _

I had no idea what had just happened, but I thought it would be better if she had some time to cool down. Bella had kissed me, and that was enough for now. She hadn’t turned her back on me when she found out I was a werewolf, so whatever happened this morning would be easy to overcome. I just had to get through the next few hours, and then I could go to her.

I phased with Embry and spent the rest of the day with the pack. I did my best not to think of Bella, but every now and then I’d remember her soft lips, the feel of her body under mine, the taste---

“ _It’s about time!”_

“ _Ughhh! Can you skip past the mushy stuff and get to the good part?”_

“ _Does this mean we can’t call her Vampire Girl anymore?”_

“ _ENOUGH!”_

I could always count on Sam.

We spent most of the day searching for Victoria. Her scent was weaker, so we knew she hadn’t been near again. At the end of the day, we decided to split up, the newer pack members would go to Forks to watch near Bella’s house, and the rest of us would meet back at First Beach. Sam wanted someone near Bella’s just in case, but her scent had been strongest yesterday at the beach, so he was pretty sure that would be her route. It made more sense for the stronger pack members to be waiting for her there.

I had one hour before I had to be at the beach, and I was going to make it count.

* * *

I knocked on the door and waited, rehearsing all the things I wanted to say to her.

“Hey, Jake.” I hid my disappointment when Charlie answered. “Bella didn’t tell me you were coming over. Come on in.”

“Thanks, Charlie. Is she here?”

He nodded then turned to yell toward the stairs, “Bella! Jake’s here!”

A few minutes passed while Charlie made small talk and I tried to hide my impatience.

“I don’t know what’s keeping her, Jake,” he finally said. “Just go on up. I’m sure she won’t mind.”

 _I really hope not,_ I thought, trying to keep from running up the stairs to her room. The door was open and the light was off.

“Bella?” I called, taking one step in. Her room was empty.

Clothes were tossed across the top of her unmade bed, like my sisters used to do when they were trying to decide what to wear. Her books were piled on the desk next to her ancient computer. The curtains were drawn closed over the window, which was open a couple of inches despite the weather. I closed my eyes as her scent drifted to me.

It was coming from the bathroom. When I went to look, I saw damp towels left on the floor. The mirror was still lightly fogged from a recent shower---or did Bella prefer baths? In the air hung the intoxicating floral smell of her hair. And there, balled up in the corner, was the blouse she’d been wearing earlier.

I could still see it on her, the thin fabric gently clinging to her curves, swelling over her rising chest as her breathing accelerated when I’d touched her. I could see the top button give way, the cloth fall back to reveal the tops of her small breasts…

“She’s not in her room, Charlie,” I said, returning downstairs.

“What?” he asked, surprised.

“Ah, it looks like maybe she went out.”

“With who?” he demanded.

That’s exactly what I wanted to know. “She didn’t say anything to you?” It was a dumb question, but I didn’t know what else to say.

He looked thoughtful for a second. “She’s been acting real strange lately. Unhappy, but different than before. You don’t think that Cullen kid is back, do you? You don’t think she’d run away with him?”

 _She probably would,_ I thought, _but_ “No, he’s not back. I’m sure she just forgot to tell you she was going. She’s probably just with some friends. Don’t worry, I’ll find her.”

I left quickly, anxious to find Bella. And despite what I’d said to Charlie, I _was_ worried. I knew the Cullens weren’t back---we’d have picked up their scent. But what if she’d heard from them? What if she’d gone to meet them? No, she wouldn’t have just left Charlie without saying anything. And she wouldn’t have just left me…would she?

When I reached the beach, they were waiting for me and we immediately began scouring the area for any sign of the vampire or Bella. I’d phased leaving Bella’s house, but her scent disappeared at the driveway. It occurred to me that Victoria could be behind Bella’s disappearance, but Sam quickly broke into my thoughts and assured me that there was no sign of Victoria making it past our lines. He was right. And Bella’s room _had_ looked like she had been getting ready to go somewhere, not like she’d been taken. That’s when we noticed the fire.

It looked like the typical group of teenagers having a party on the beach, sitting ducks for a hungry vampire. The area appeared to be relatively safe, but Sam thought it best to be cautious, taking our roles as protectors seriously. We decided to abandon our patrol and join them. As we approached, I realized I recognized a few of them. _They used to be Bella’s friends,_ I thought. And then I saw her.

Bella was sitting by the fire with that Newton kid. And he had his arm around her. She looked right at me, but she didn’t even smile. Did she usually sit this close to him? And why was he leaning in so close? Was he going to kiss her? No. And it’s a good thing, too, because I would have killed him.

She turned her attention back to that moron. What kind of game was she playing? Sam put his hand on my shoulder just as my anger was starting to show and led me to sit with him at the opposite side of the fire. At least we had found her. At least she was safe. At least from there I could watch her and make sure no vampire came near her…even if I couldn’t do anything about the blond kid that was dangerously close to having his limbs ripped off.

“Hi! You’re Jake, aren’t you?” someone asked.

“Yeah,” I said.

Bella was just staring at Newton and nodding. She was hanging on every word he said.

“And you have a motorcycle?”

“Uh-huh,” I mumbled.

Newton was brushing Bella’s hair from her face.

“I’d love to go for a ride sometime,” she purred, putting her hand on my knee.

“Sure.”

At least Bella wasn’t touching Newton. Yet.

“I’m Lauren,” she said.

I turned to look at her. She was pretty, in a not-as-perfect-as-Bella kind of way. And she was paying attention to me, unlike Bella, who was throwing another guy in my face. Well, two could play that game.

“So you like motorcycles?” I asked, turning my full attention to…what was her name?

“I might. They seem so…dangerous.” Was she trying to be seductive?

I let her go on, overplaying her sultry card as long as I could stand it. Even Paul seemed to fall for my false interest in her, sneaking me a thumbs-up behind her back. It was all I could do not to openly stare at Bella instead. Occasionally Lauren would say something that was supposed to be funny, and when I would laugh, I could sneak a glance from the corner of my eye. Mike never left her side, and Bella never looked away from him.

When the fire was dying down Sam stepped in to save me just as Lauren was hinting not-too-subtly that I should give her a ride home. I turned to see that Bella was gone. Even worse, Mike’s suburban was still parked nearby, confirming my fear. She had not only wandered off to be killed by a vampire, she had wandered off with _him._

Sam and I quickly slipped away from everyone and phased. Sam wanted to find Bella before the vampire did. I did too, but I had other reasons as well. We split up, following her scent. It was easy to find, but not easy to track. What had she done? Wandered in circles and touched everything on the ground on her way? It seemed as if not a rock or branch or leaf within a two mile radius was without her scent.

“ _She’s here.”_

I could see her through Sam’s mind. She was curled up with her arms wrapped tightly around her. My happiness to see her alone, not with Mike, was instantly crushed by the emptiness in her eyes. I’d rather have seen her with anyone than to see her _that_ alone. Sam phased before I could see anything else, and I hurried toward them.

I had just phased back---and dressed---when Sam cut me off. Bella couldn’t have been more than twenty yards ahead of me.

“He’s taking her home,” said Sam.

I began shaking with rage. _What the hell is she doing?_

“Leave it alone, Jake.”

* * *

Despite Sam’s warning, I went straight to Bella’s after we left. He could have stopped me. It’s not like he couldn’t see in my head as I raced through the woods. But he didn’t.

I ran so fast I got there before she did, so I waited, just inside the tree line at the edge of her yard and made a plan. I would stay calm. I would just wait for Newton to leave. I would talk to her. It was that simple.

It wasn’t like she was going to invite him in. It was late, and she’d be too wary of Charlie. All I had to do was catch her before she got inside, and we’d be able to work this out. Maybe I’d said or done something to make her think I wasn’t serious about her. She couldn’t be upset because I’d stopped, could she? She _did_ tell me to. Maybe she’s just gone out with him out of pity. Maybe she just wanted to make me jealous. (It worked). Whatever the reason, I could get past it and we could get back to where we’d been. She would kiss me again and everything would be okay.

His suburban pulled in right behind Charlie’s cruiser. Bella got out and Newton followed her to the door.

I listened as he asked her out again, and breathed a sign of relief as she turned him down. But my relief was short-lived.

“That's too bad. Angela really wanted you to come with us," he pressed.

"So you're talking about a group thing?" she asked him.

"Sure. Except Lauren."

_Crap! Why’d he have to bring her up?_

Her eyes narrowed as soon as he said it, and she instantly agreed to another date. I was too busy kicking myself for trying to make her jealous that the door was closed behind her before I realized it. Not only had I missed my chance to work things out with her tonight, but my stupidity had pushed her into a date with Newton. I was too angry to chance talking to her tonight, and I would have to wait even longer now. I forgot to undress before I phased.

* * *

I wandered the woods outside Bella’s all night. I didn’t speak to the pack, but they knew why I was there. They left just before dawn, but I stayed behind. _Should I confront her? Find out what was going on? Or just give her time and hope she comes around?_

I wasn't exactly decided on leaving her alone, but I thought I should give the patience thing a try. Bella had been mad at me before, but she'd never stayed that way long.

* * *

Just as the sun was beginning to rise, I heard Bella screaming. Charlie had mentioned it to Billy once, but I hadn’t been prepared for how disturbing it was when I’d first heard her. I was used to it now, but it still shook me to the core each time. More than anything I wanted to run up to her room and hold her, and tell her everything would be okay, that I would protect her, that I loved her. But breaking down Charlie’s front door and running to Bella’s bedside uninvited wasn’t a good idea, especially now. So I just stood there, waiting for the screams and the sobs to fade, silently cursing the enhanced hearing my new form afforded me.

I was surprised to see Bella emerge from the house a few minutes later. She looked disheveled and unrested. And she headed straight into the woods. At first, she stuck to the narrow path, but she quickly left it, wandering into the forest. She seemed to walk without direction, and I followed her, half wanting to protect her, half just wondering where she was going.

After little more than an hour, I carelessly brushed too closely to a branch, snapping it, and Bella heard. She started in my direction, but I backed silently into the shadows where my fur was well camouflaged, and I stayed hidden. I watched as she looked all around, then crumbled to the ground and cried. Her sobbing wrenched at my heart. It wasn’t fear that was paining her. It was something much, much worse. I wanted to go to her, try to comfort her, try to help her, but I had the strange feeling I would be intruding. Whatever was going on with her, it was intensely private. Even my being there in secret felt wrong.

As I stood there, torn between giving Bella time and giving her a shoulder to cry on, the tears quieted and she pulled herself up. She immediately started walking again, and it dawned on me that she should probably be heading home, not the direction she was going. Short of revealing myself, which would make her think I was spying on her (and maybe I was, a little), my only option was to somehow lead her back the right direction. She’d walked straight toward me earlier when I’d made a noise. Maybe she would do the same thing again.

I stepped deliberately on a twig and her head snapped around toward the sound. She turned and walked toward me. _This is working,_ I thought, backing into the brush before she spotted me. I kept it up the whole way back to her house, brushing up against something or breaking something, basically going against every instinct I had to be quiet, every time Bella would stray in the wrong direction. When her house was finally in sight I stepped aside and waited, watching to make sure she continued forward. With Bella’s sense of direction, you never could be sure. When she stepped out into her own back yard, she looked disappointed, but I felt nothing but relief. No matter what was going on in her head, she was safe.

I waited until she had gone inside then listened to make sure someone else was around to watch.

“ _You can go, Jake. I’ll take it from here.”_ said Jared.

I ran home a little slower than usual---I was exhausted---and went straight to bed.

* * *

When I woke it was dark. I’d overslept! I immediately phased and ran back to Bella’s but she was gone. Jared and Seth had been watching her house while I slept.

“ _How long?”_ I asked.

“ _She’s been gone four hours”_

“ _Who’s she with?”_

“ _She’s on her way back now. Leah’s been following.”_

“ _Who’s she with?”_ I didn’t like the way they were avoiding my question.

“ _Just him”_

_“What about the rest of them?”_

“ _Sorry Jake.”_

“ _You can go,”_ I told them both. They left without a word. If a vampire showed up tonight, I was angry enough to handle it on my own.

I didn’t have to wait long before the suburban pulled into the driveway. Leah didn’t bother sticking around, either.

Bella got out quickly and walked toward the door, with Newton on her heels. As soon as they got to the door they were kissing. It was a good thing I was already phased, or I would have lost another pair of shoes. He stepped back with a proud grin on his face, running to his suburban. I wondered if anyone would notice if he mysteriously disappeared.

The second he was gone I phased back and stepped into the light. Bella was still standing in the doorway.

“I guess you got home safely,” I said. I couldn’t hide my anger.

“That was…” she said, then she looked down. She was probably upset that she’d been caught. And she should have been. After what she’d done with me just two days ago, it didn’t say a lot about her to be kissing another guy tonight. I’d never known Bella had it in her to be… _like that._

“Where have you been?” Charlie practically yelled, sticking his head out the door.

Good. He was angry too. She deserved it. Then he saw me.

“Thanks for bringing her home, Jacob, but…Bells? What’s wrong?”

“Mike kissed me!” she said. She sounded upset, but not the kind of upset I expected.

“Well, Mike’s a good kid. You could do a lot worse,” said Charlie.

_That’s not what you were supposed to say, Charlie!_

Then Bella just snapped. “Really? A lot worse than being tricked into a date with Mike when he promised me it was a group thing? Worse than him being stupid enough to think I want to go out with him? Worse than him kissing me when I was just trying to get away from him? Worse than boys who ruin something wonderful because they're too oversexed to know when to stop? Really, Dad? I could do worse than that? Thanks a lot! I have so much to look forward to!”

I stood there stunned as Bella ran into the house. I'd never seen her yell at her father--or anyone else-- like that. Charlie looked no less surprised than I. Bella had started out angry and ended up screaming and in tears. _Why is she always doing that?_

"Do me a favor, Jake," Charlie said when the shock wore off. "Figure out what's going on with her."

"Sure, Charlie." _What does he think I've been trying to do?_

"Your sisters ever act like this?"

"Ah, I don't think so." _Did they? Was this something girls usually did?_

Charlie shrugged apologetically then went inside.

There was _no way_ I was going to try talking to her right now.

I stood there in the yard trying to make sense of it. I mulled over what she'd said...well, yelled..., trying to pick it apart. First, Mike had tricked her into a date, so obviously she wasn't interested in him. Second, she didn't want to kiss him. _Maybe I won't have to kill him after all._ And third, some "oversexed boy" had really pissed her off. But I couldn't think of anyone else she’d been around lately. She wasn't making any sense. I sighed, stepping back into the woods.

_I don't understand girls..._

 


	4. Persistence

It was three in the morning and I was wide awake.

How did I get here? I’d moved to Forks expecting repetition and boredom. What I’d gotten was vampires and werewolves and more close-calls than I wanted to think about. Why couldn’t I be a normal teenager? Everyone else my age was concerned with classes and grades and getting dates to the prom. I was more worried about death by monster and feeling like my heart was being ripped out. This could not be normal.

I wasn’t nearly as afraid of the nightmares as I was of laying in bed for hours thinking about all my mistakes. For the second time in my life, I sought the help of cough syrup to wipe away my consciousness.

* * *

 _I was in the meadow, again, but it was pitch dark except for moonlight, and I was completely alone. The outlining forest buzzed with life and I could hear someone---or something---circling me just inside the trees. I slowly turned in circles, trying to glimpse it. Was it Edward? Was it_ _Victoria_ _?!_

_I could feel its eyes on me, lots of eyes. Then I heard a low snarl. Twigs cracked and leaves rustled closer and closer to me. I spun wildly, my eyes straining against the darkness, trying to determine where it was, which direction I should run from. Then I saw them._

_Eyes reflected in the moonlight, and they were approaching me from all sides. Something----several somethings---were stalking me and I was surrounded. The snarl became a low growl, then…laughter?_

There was no screaming this time. Instead, tears were spilling onto my pillow.

“Bella? Bells, honey, wake up.”

I could barely move my eyelids, so I just groaned and rolled away from the voice, pulling my pillow over my head.

“Bella!” I was being shaken. “Bells, please talk to me,” the voice pleaded.

Jacob? What was he doing in my room, kneeling over my bed? And where was all the light coming from? And why were my eyelids so heavy? Oh yeah, cough syrup. Well, it was certainly doing its job.

“Go away,” I mumbled.

“Not until you talk to me.”

“No,” I said into the pillow.

“Last night…when I saw you kissing him…”

“ _I_ didn’t kiss him. He _attacked_ me.”

“I know.”

“I’m done with boys. They’re all stupid.”

“You kissed _me_ , Bella,” he whispered.

“You’re stupid, too.” I was really starting to appreciate the effects of cough syrup.

“You _liked_ kissing me, Bells.”

Okay, it was time to wake up now. “And you turned it into…into…something _obscene!”_

“That’s crazy, Bella,” he snarled. “I didn’t--I wasn’t--what the hell are you talking about?”

I sat straight up, glaring at him while the room spun a little. What was _in_ that cough syrup? “You said you loved me. I trusted you, Jacob! _I trusted you!_ ” I shrieked hysterically. I threw the quilt back and scurried out of bed. Never mind the tears. I was too angry to care that I was crying—again.

In a flash he rose up to his full height and crushed me to his chest. I pushed against him, but it was fruitless. It didn’t help that the floor was swaying or that I was sobbing uncontrollably.

“Bella, please,” he begged. “Don’t cry, honey. I’m sorry. Tell me how to fix this.”

“Leave,” I sobbed, trying to push him away. He didn’t budge. “I won’t be taken advantage of. Go find someone else to…to feel up!”

I couldn’t see clearly through the tears, but his rage was evident. He pushed me away swiftly and crossed the room to face the window. His whole body was shaking and his huge fists were clenched. I was almost too scared to say his name.

“Jacob?”

He spun to face me and there was fire in his eyes.

“Jacob, please calm down. We can talk,” I pleaded.

“ _Now_ you want to talk?” His shaking got worse. “Why?” he practically roared at me. “Because I _terrify_ you?”

If I said yes, would he get even angrier and turn into a furious wolf? If I said no would he be insulted and turn into a furious wolf? Surely there had to be an answer that wouldn’t get me killed! I automatically took a step back, my legs bumping up against the bed. I didn’t want to sit, but the cough syrup was making it hard to stand. I just dropped back onto the mattress. I knew how I must look: mouth gaping, eyes wide with fright, tears streaming silently down my face.

It seemed he only took one long step to stand in front of me, leaning over me again. The shaking was still there, but I imagined it was just a bit less than a second ago. His eyes were black and cold. His enormous body projected a fever onto my skin, and his face was so close to mine I had to lean back a little to focus.

His face contorted into a snarl, and his fists were actually vibrating. The veins in his arms practically leapt through his skin and his chest rippled.

_Yes, now I'm terrified of him._

“I would have thought you braver than this, Bella,” he sneered. “After all, I’m not the first monster you’ve been with!”

_What? Where is this coming from? And why is he angry with me? I am the one who was taken advantage of. I am the one who was laughed at. I am the one who’s about to be ripped apart by a giant wolf!_

I stupidly raised my hand to his face. I meant to be soothing, to calm him a little. Surely if I showed I didn’t think he was a monster, he would calm down, right? But as I rested my fingers on his trembling cheek, my thumb brushed across his lips and I felt myself leaning toward him. _That_ was a mistake. His breath was hot against my lips, and I wondered if his kiss would taste like I remembered. He froze. No shaking, no breathing, no motion at all. The only change was the streak of alternating emotions blazing across his eyes.

His hands relaxed out of their fists. His rage collapsed and he started to step back but I grabbed his hand. I knew I couldn’t stop him. He was much too strong, but he stopped anyway.

“I could have hurt you, Bella,” he whispered.

“But you didn’t.”

He pulled me back up to my feet and looked down at me. What was that in his eyes? Relief? Shame? Pity? I dropped my gaze to his chest, momentarily dazzled by his beauty. Dazzled. I’d thought only Edward could have that effect on me. And where _was_ Edward? Where was his voice? Edward always spoke to me when I was in danger, and hadn’t Jacob just been ready to kill me?

I lay my face against him, placing my ear over his heart, and listened to its staggered beat while my arms snuck around his waist. In an instant the floor was gone & I was swept up into his lap as he sat on my bed. I snuggled up against him and he leaned back against my pillows pulling me to lie alongside him. It felt like hours passed before he spoke.

“I still need an explanation, Bells,” he sighed. “Nothing you’ve said makes any sense.

“Oh, Jacob,” I whined. “I was so mad I don’t even _know_ what I said.”

“You can start by telling me why you were so mad,” he suggested.

Oh, no. It was embarrassing enough. Why did I have to _talk_ about it? “What if you get mad again?”

“I won’t get mad.”

“You can’t _know_ that.”

“Bells, you’ve got three seconds to start talking or I swear I will phase---and I won’t phase back until you start making sense. How do you plan on explaining to Charlie why there’s a giant wolf in your room?” he threatened teasingly.

“Well, now that you mention it, he might handle that better than finding you in bed with me…“

“Please, Bella?” he whispered.

Ok, fine. “You got carried away when we kissed.”

“I don’t believe I was the only one,” he smirked.

“Whatever,” I half-conceded, with a blush, “but you _were_ hell-bent on undressing me.”

“Obscene?” he guessed, and I nodded. “Taking advantage of you?” He earned another nod.

“I…I’m not used to that,” I mumbled, tucking my chin. “I’ve never…” and my words abandoned me again.

“So you’d rather I do that to someone else?” he ventured. My head snapped up to see him grinning.

“Easy, Bells,” he laughed. “I’ve waited too long for you. Do you honestly think I’d give you up now?”

I rested my cheek against his chest again.

“…just because you’re too beautiful in a tank top?”

Why, oh why was I wearing tank top? I hid my face against his neck.

“…without a bra?”

“Jake!” I shrieked, slapping at him.

And then I was flat on my back again, Jacob hovering over me once more. I felt the blood rising in my face as his gaze swept over me, his eyes finally settling on mine.

“I love you. I’ll stop the second you tell me to, Bells. Tell me where the line is, and I won’t cross it. I promise,” he whispered. “But don’t think I don’t want to.”

 _Oh, this is way too embarrassing_. But before I could turn a deeper shade of red, his mouth found mine, and I was lost. He was gentle, like I knew _my_ Jacob would be. His tongue parted my lips and I couldn’t help but pull him to me. My fingers traced his shoulders, his chest, his stomach, and his whole body jerked. My hands settled on his hips, and I drew up one knee, raising my body against him. My eyes popped open in shock and I dropped back against the mattress. I could feel just how much he wanted to cross the line.

“Tell me when to stop, Bella,” he breathed raggedly against my neck.

I relaxed immediately. He really wasn’t going to go too far this time. _This_ was what I wanted, the considerate Jacob who wasn’t going to rush things. I yanked his mouth back to mine. His hands were gripping my waist, tangling in my hair, tracing my lips, slipping under fabric to skim over my stomach, but no further.

He paused to catch my gaze. His eyes were filled with lust—and overflowing with love. His lips grazed beneath my ear, down my neck. His heated breath burned a trail down my chest, through the thin fabric of my top, until his lips skimmed over my stomach. I gasped as his tongue slid along the skin over the top of my pants, and before I could protest he laughed.

He rolled to his side, pulling me to lie against him, as his chest shuddered with amusement. _What was so darned funny?_

“You’re not very good at this, Bella,” he remarked, and my confidence crumbled.

 _Not good at this? How am I supposed to be_ good _at this?_ Until the other day I’d never even been kissed like that, much less anything else. Edward had always had to be so careful with me, stopping us the moment things got anywhere near heated. And before Edward there had been no one. I whipped my head up and stared at him, mortified, as the tears threatened to return.

He laughed again and gripped me in his trademark bear hug. I had to bite my lip to keep the tears back as he held me to him.

“Drawing lines, Bells,” he explained. “You’re not very good at drawing lines. That’s going to be a problem considering how good you are at…everything else,” he laughed.

“Oh,” I whispered into his neck. I felt the corners of my mouth begin to turn up and the tears retreated.

“And I don’t mind running after you---not if _this_ is where we end up. But maybe we should talk, so we can avoid the yelling part next time?” he prodded.

“Ah. Okay” I mumbled. Wonderful. We were back to the embarrassing part.

He pushed himself off the pillows and turned me to face him. I could feel the blush rising in my cheeks. But he was right. Unless I wanted to invest in a lot of cough syrup, there was much more to be said.

His hand pressed my chin up, and his eyes were staring at me softly, intently, while a smile played across his lips. “The lines, Bells?”

“Clothes?” I ventured, dropping my eyes. “They should…stay on.”

He was laughing at me again. “Ok, and…?

“And we _have_ to slow down. I don’t know how to explain it,” I said, my voice getting higher with each word. There was nothing funny about this. Why was he still laughing? “That—the other day—it’s too much. I can’t do that! You can’t be... _touching_ me like that.”

He leaned too close then, and I could feel his breath on my ear as he hoarsely whispered, “That’s going to be hard, Bells, especially since I can tell how much you want me to.” His hand glided down my stomach, and an electric shock shot through me, downward…

“Then this has to stop!” I jerked away from him. “No more! You can just keep your hands to yourself and we’ll go back to how things were. You may have turned into a grown man overnight, Jacob Black, but I’m still a teenager!” I was shrieking again and so close to tears I couldn’t focus. “I’m not _used_ this! I’ve never--! No one has--! Dammit, Jake, get out of my room!”

“Take a cold shower, Bella,” he laughed, before heading down the stairs.

I grabbed the door to slam it shut behind him when I heard Charlie’s voice. “What’s wrong with her?”

“Woke her up from a nap,” replied Jacob. “You know women and their beauty sleep.”

Charlie was laughing now, too. “Lucky you didn’t get yourself killed.”

“See you tonight, Bells!” Jacob called up the stairs.

Oh, no he wouldn’t! I flew down the stairs in a rage. I was so mad I didn’t even worry about tripping. “You most certainly will _not!”_ I yelled at him.

He was standing in the open doorway about to leave. Charlie was perched in his usual spot on the sofa, remote in hand, chuckling and eyeing us with amusement. Jacob crossed the room in a split-second to stand over me, and I balled up my fists to hit him. My wrists were instantly caught, my back against the wall, arms pinned above my head. _Oh, no. Jacob's shaking again and Charlie's so close this time._

But it wasn’t rage that was shaking him; it was laughter. His eyes were soft as his head bent toward me, and he was kissing me again. This time the kiss was light but lingering and I completely forgot how mad he made me.

“I’ll be back for you at six,” he said huskily.

“Bye, Charlie!” he called, and then he ducked out the door.

 _Oh, no! Charlie! How had I forgotten he was there?_ I snuck a sheepish glance his direction but he was staring straight at the TV, a giant grin plastered across his face. Of course he was smiling. The men in my life were conspiring against me.

"Ughhh!" I huffed, stomping back upstairs.

* * *

_**Jacob** _

I stood watch all night, leaving only when Sam called me back in the morning. Seth and Paul took my place, not that I trusted Seth to be of any use. He was too young, too new. But at least Paul could keep her safe. And I really needed sleep. Chasing Bella around and staying up all night guarding her from vampires was really starting to wear on me.

* * *

When I woke, it was past noon. I rolled over and immediately thought of Bella. I knew she was safe, but what I didn’t know was what was going on with her. Ever since we’d kissed she hadn’t made any sense. All she had done was yell and cry.

But _she_ had been the one to kiss _me_. And there was no doubt in my mind that she had enjoyed every second of it. But then she’d run out of the house, gone out with the Newton kid—twice!—and kissed him. Well, she said he’d been the one to kiss her, but she’d gone out with him. And since that morning at my house, she’d ignored me. What was I supposed to make of that? Charlie had given me the perfect excuse. He's told me to find out what was wrong with her. I couldn't just ignore that, right?

I was at her house in less than five minutes.

* * *

As I expected, Charlie answered the door.

“Hey, Charlie. Is Bella here?”

“In her room. Go on up,” he said before he turned and headed back to the TV. Nothing could distract Charlie from his sports.

He didn’t have to tell me twice. I was up the stairs in a flash. Like the last time, her door was open, and her room was dark, but this time she was there, with the quilt thrown back and the sheets twisted around her legs.

I stood watching her for a minute. She was wearing loose cotton pajama pants and a tank top with little blue flowers printed on it. Even that was sexy. Her hair was spread out around her, slightly tangled. One arm was thrown up over her head, and her brow was creased. Her breath was coming in short gasps and tears were beginning to fall down her cheeks. She was having another nightmare.

I knelt down beside her and tried to shake her awake. Maybe if I could wake her, I could stop it---whatever it was that always made her scream---before it happened.

“Bella? Bells, honey, wake up.”

Her eyelids moved and she groaned, rolling to her side away from me. She pulled her pillow over her head.

“Bella!” I shook her again. “Bells, please talk to me.”

“Go away,” she mumbled.

“Not until you talk to me.” I wasn’t going anywhere.

“No,” she said from under the pillow.

“Last night…when I saw you kissing him…” I started. It wasn’t what I had wanted to say, but it had just slipped out.

“ _I_ didn’t kiss him. He _attacked_ me,” she said as she raised the pillow up a little.

“I know.”

“I’m done with boys. They’re all stupid.”

Well, she was definitely mad at me about something, but I wasn’t giving up. “You kissed _me_ , Bella.”

“You’re stupid, too.”

I had to stifle a laugh. “You _liked_ kissing me, Bells.”

“And you turned it into…into…something _obscene!”_ she snapped, suddenly sounding very awake.

“That’s crazy, Bella. I didn’t--I wasn’t--what the hell are you talking about?” Now I _really_ didn’t understand.

She sat straight up, swaying a little, and started yelling. “You said you loved me. I trusted you, Jacob! _I trusted you!_ ”

I just looked at her, shocked, as she jumped out of bed and tears started streaming down her face. So I did the only thing I knew to do. I stood up and pulled her to me, hugging her tightly while she sobbed into my chest.

“Bella, please. Don’t cry, honey. I’m sorry. Tell me what to do to fix this.”

“Leave,” she said between sobs. “I won’t be taken advantage of. Go find someone else to…to feel up!”

Taken advantage of? What was she talking about? Did she think I had taken advantage of her? And what was this about feeling her up? Was that how she saw it? I’d barely touched her! And she’d wanted me to! From the way she’d responded to me it was pretty clear she’d wanted a lot more than that! This was too much. I had to get away from her. I could barely contain my rage.

I pushed her away from me and crossed the room, facing the window she’d placed the bookcase in front of. I clenched my fists and tried to breathe deeply, slowly, evenly. No matter how mad I was, I did not want to phase here. I did not want to hurt Bella.

“Jacob?” she said timidly.

I turned to look at her and saw her cringe. I could only imagine what I must have looked like.

“Jacob, please calm down. We can talk,” she said, her voice shaky.

“ _Now_ you want to talk? Why? Because I _terrify_ you?” I was starting to lose it, but I couldn’t help myself. Bella was infuriating.

I watched while she considered her position. She was probably trying to figure out how quickly she could run out the door. She took a step backward, and half fell, sitting on the bed. Her fear was written on her face, her mouth hanging open, her eyes filled with fright, her tears still flowing. I hated her for thinking I would hurt her. I hated myself even more for making her think that.

I took one long, deep breath to try to calm myself and walked toward her. I was standing over her, leaning down toward her. I wanted to say something reassuring, to be kind, but she cringed away.

Acid dripped from my voice. “I would have thought you braver than this, Bella. After all, I’m not the first monster you’ve been with!”

Then she did the last thing I would have expected. As I fought to control my fury, she placed her hand on my cheek. She was trembling as her thumb traced over my lips and she leaned toward me. If I moved at all, our lips would be touching. What was she doing? I could have killed her, at the very least hurt her badly, and her reaction was to move closer? All my anger dissipated and I tried to step back but she grabbed my hand.

“I could have hurt you, Bella,” I whispered.

“But you didn’t.”

I grabbed her arms and pulled her to her feet, trying to see in her eyes what was going on in her head. She dropped her gaze, and laid her face on my chest, wrapping her arms around my waist. Finally. We back where we started. And I wasn’t going to let her go this time.

I grabbed her up in my arms and sat on the bed, pulling her into my lap. She curled up against me, and I leaned back, pulling her with me. If I could have lay there like that with her forever I would have. But I couldn’t stand not knowing what had happened, what I had done to make her run away in the first place.

“I still need an explanation, Bells. Nothing you’ve said makes any sense.

“Oh, Jacob. I was so mad I don’t even _know_ what I said.” She was so cute when she whined.

“You can start by telling me why you were so mad.”

“What if you get mad again?” she asked.

“I won’t get mad.” I never wanted to see her afraid of me like that again.

“You can’t _know_ that,” she argued.

“Bells, you’ve got three seconds to start talking or I swear I will phase---and I won’t phase back until you start making sense. How do you plan on explaining to Charlie why there’s a giant wolf in your room?” I teased. I had to do something to lighten the mood.

“Well, now that you mention it, he might handle that better than finding you in bed with me…“

“Please, Bella?” I pleaded.

“You got carried away when we kissed,” she whispered, almost shyly.

“I don’t believe I was the only one,” I said with a smile.

“Whatever. But you _were_ hell-bent on undressing me.” She was blushing.

“Obscene?” I asked, and she nodded. “Taking advantage of you?” She nodded again.

“I…I’m not used to that,” she said quietly, looking down. “I’ve never…”

“So you’d rather I do that to someone else?” I teased.

Her head snapped up and I grinned at her.

“Easy, Bells,” I laughed. “I’ve waited too long for you. Do you honestly think I’d give you up now?”

She laid her head back on my chest

“…just because you’re too beautiful in a tank top?”

She snuggled closer.

“…without a bra?”

“Jake!” she yelled, hitting my chest.

I rolled us over so that I was stretched out above her, careful to keep my weight off her. She was so beautiful, even in the little girl pajamas she insisted on wearing. The thin pants hung low on her hips, exposing her soft stomach. The tank top clung tightly, straining over her small breasts as… Why was she lying so still? I looked up to see a blush rising in her cheeks.

“I love you,” I told her. “I’ll stop the second you tell me to, Bells. Tell me where the line is, and I won’t cross it. I promise,” I whispered. “But don’t think I don’t want to.”

And I kissed her like I’d wanted to do ever since she’d left my house. I pressed my tongue to her lips, and they parted for me. Her hands pulled at my shoulders and drifted over my chest. I couldn’t control a shudder when she ran her fingers over over my stomach. She pulled her leg up and arched against me then abruptly dropped away again. She was driving me crazy.

“Tell me when to stop, Bella,” I breathed. She pulled me roughly back into a kiss and I fought keep control. Her body was moving with me, not pressed to mine, but brushing softly, almost imperceptibly against me. There was no hiding how much I wanted her. I couldn’t stop touching her…her shoulders, her arms, her waist, her thighs. I slid my hand beneath her top and ran my fingers over her stomach. Would this be okay?

I stopped and looked at her. Her eyes were wide and easy to read. She loved me. She trusted me. I could see that. But there was something else. Trepidation. Did she want me to stop? She wasn’t saying anything. I kissed down her neck, down the center of her chest, over her stomach, stopping at the hem of her pants.

Then it hit me, the same scent as before, too tempting to ignore. She wanted me. I slid my tongue along the milky skin just above the waist of her pants and heard her gasp.

I laughed, rolling back and pulling her back to my chest again. “You’re not very good at this, Bella,” I teased.

Her head snapped up, hurt in her eyes. Silly girl.

“Drawing lines, Bells. You’re not very good at drawing lines. That’s going to be a problem considering how good you are at…everything else,” I explained.

“Oh,” she said quietly into my neck.

“And I don’t mind running after you---not if _this_ is where we end up. But maybe we should talk, so we can avoid the yelling part next time?” We hadn’t really gotten anywhere when we’d tried to talk earlier. Well, we’d gotten somewhere, but not with words. And I really didn’t want to risk losing her again.

“Ah. Okay,” she said, sounding shy again.

I turned her to face me and saw she was blushing. She was quite the paradox, overcome by hormones one minute then overcome by shyness the next. It was incredibly cute.

I cupped her chin and raised her face to look at me. “The lines, Bells?”

“Clothes?” she said. “They should…stay on.”

I smiled. “Ok, and…?

“And we _have_ to slow down. I don’t know how to explain it,” she said, her voice getting higher and her words beginning to run together “That—the other day—it was too much. I can’t do that! You can’t be... _touching_ me like that.”

She was too adorable. I leaned in close and whispered, “That’s going to be hard, Bells, especially since I can tell how much you want me to.” I placed a hand on her stomach and slid it downward, slowly, unable to refrain from teasing her just a bit. Shy Bella was fun to toy with.

“Then this has to stop!” she snapped, jerking away. “No more! You can just keep your hands to yourself and we’ll go back to how things were. You may have turned into a grown man overnight, Jacob Black, but I’m still a teenager!”

Oh, crap. Now she was mad again. And it looked like the tears might come back. Why hadn’t I learned my lesson?

“I’m not _used_ this! I’ve never--! No one has--! Dammit, Jake, get out of my room!”

“Take a cold shower, Bella,” I laughed, as I left the room. I’d let her have time to cool down, but this time I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes. This time she wasn’t going to get away---or have a chance to see that Newton kid.

“What’s wrong with her?” Charlie asked when I got downstairs.

“Woke her up from a nap,” I said. “You know women and their beauty sleep.” Charlie would believe that.

“Lucky you didn’t get yourself killed,” he said, chuckling.

“See you tonight, Bells!” I yelled toward the stairs. I wondered how she’d react to _that_. Within half a second I got my answer.

Bella came flying down the stairs, eyes flashing with anger, ready to kill someone.

“You most certainly will _not!”_ she shrieked.

Yes, I would. I was in front of her in two steps, catching her fists before she could land a punch. I kissed her softly, and her ire lost its steam. "I’ll be back for you at six” I whispered.

I yelled goodbye to Charlie as I headed out the door.

 


	5. Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before you read this chapter, please read the one-shot companion story "[Wisdom](http://archiveofourown.org/works/475218)." It's a nice little set-up for what's about to take place.

I’d been arguing with myself ever since Jacob left. I was furious with him…no, I was furious with myself. But I knew better than to sit at home by myself all night. Obviously I never should have kissed him. He was still a sixteen year old, even if he _did_ have the body of a grown man. The perfect muscular irresistible body of… _stop it!_ Just because I was attracted to him didn’t mean we should be together. Things were so much easier when we were just friends.

His immaturity may very well have been why I had so much fun with him---until recently. Lately everything had just been a mixed-up disaster. I mentally outlined everything I needed to say to him and hoped tonight would be my chance. I would tell him that I loved him but that I was wrong to kiss him. I would make sure he understood how much he’d helped me, saved me really, but that I just couldn’t have a _relationship_ with him. I couldn’t handle the lack of control— _his_ lack of control. My lack of control, too, but I probably shouldn’t mention that. I wanted my best friend back, the one who made me laugh and was always there for me, not this new person who was just all over me--and laughing _at_ me. He’d be upset at first, but he’d forgive me, right?

We would talk when he came to pick me up. He probably wouldn’t want me to go with him after that. But if he did, at least I’d know he wouldn’t have the wrong idea.

Jacob hadn’t told me what we were doing, but I suspected we were going to the bonfire Embry had mentioned. I stood at my closet door, not sure what I was supposed to wear. It’s not like there was a bonfire dress code, but since I’d be with Jacob, there were probably some outfits I should avoid. I grabbed a tank top, but after this afternoon, I layered it under a warm black flannel shirt I’d swiped from Charlie---and I buttoned it right up to the collar. On top of some baggy old jeans and boots, I considered it a job well done. I could have lost or gained twenty pounds in that shapeless outfit, and it would have been impossible to tell.

On an even brighter note, it’s not like we would be alone. The whole pack was sure to be there, and I doubted Sam or any of the elders who happened to be in attendance would think it appropriate if Jacob tried for a repeat performance. They didn’t know it, but I was counting on the pack to protect me not only from Victoria, but now Jacob as well. I couldn’t contain my smile as I thought of Sam putting Jacob in his place… _Oh no! The pack!_

Ughhh! Why hadn’t I thought of that before? If Jacob had changed into his wolf form at any time recently---and he probably _had_ \---they would all know every detail of what happened. Embry had already been laughing at me. Now they all would. What was I _thinking_ , kissing a werewolf? They could hear each others thoughts! Could they _see_ each others thoughts, too? I sat down on the floor with a thud. I couldn’t even be mad, now. I just wanted to hide. A bunch of horny, immature teenage boys were probably witnessing my private moments with Jake right now.

“Bella, Jake’s here!” Charlie called up the stairway.

I couldn’t do this. Not now. Not with everyone knowing. I raised up enough to reach the doorknob and turned the lock. I was never leaving my room. Ever.

“Bella?” Charlie was standing outside my door now. He knocked, then tried to open it.

 _At least the lock works_ , I thought.

“Bella, open the door.”

“No.”

“Bella, are you okay? What are you doing in there?”

“I’m fine, Dad,” I lied. “And I’m not doing anything. Can you just tell Jacob I’m not going?” His footsteps echoed down the stairs, and I heard voices below, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying. I hoped Jacob would just listen to Charlie and leave.

I should have known better. Someone was coming up the stairs again, and I knew my luck better than to think it was Charlie.

“Bella?” _That_ wasn’t Jacob’s voice. Or Charlie’s. What was Emily doing here? “Bella, please open the door. The men have gone outside. It’s just me. Can we talk?”

Emily hadn’t done anything to me. Refusing her would just be rude. I leaned over and unlocked the door. She looked a little startled to see me sitting in the middle of the floor, but she didn’t comment on my choice of seating as she turned to lock the door behind her.

“How long are you planning on staying in here?”

I shrugged.

“You want to talk about it?” she asked, lowering to the floor beside me.

“I don’t have anything to talk about,” I mumbled.

“Of course you don’t,” she teased. “I’m sure you always sit on the floor, barricaded in your room, looking like you’re about to cry.”

“I am not about to cry,” I insisted. Crying was all I had done lately, and I was through with that. If I was going to be shedding any tears, it certainly wasn't going to be over a boy.

She put her arm around me. “You know the pack doesn’t have secrets, don’t you? And you know they don’t have any choice in that, right?”

"I wish they did," I said, unable to look her in the eye.

“Sam’s worried about you.”

“Sam? What---why is _Sam_ worried?” I asked. Sam hated me. Okay, he didn’t hate me, but he didn’t like me much. He only put up with me because Jacob wouldn’t leave me alone. Plus I had information about Victoria. I was gaping at Emily like she’d suddenly sprouted horns and a tail.

“Because you’re very upset, and you have every right to be. Jacob is an idiot,” she explained, almost laughing at that last part.

“So I guess he ‘ _heard.’_ ”

“He wasn’t _trying_ to, Bella, but Jake’s always thinking about you. You have to talk to him. You can’t hide in your room forever.” A sympathetic smile crept across the un-damaged side of her face.

“I’ve _tried_ to talk to him, but he’s impossible!” I insisted.

“That’s the problem with men---especially werewolves,” she laughed. “They’re terrible listeners. Sam is the worst,” she admitted. “But I asked him to talk to Jake about this.”

“Sam talked to Jacob about me?” I whined. “No!"

“Oh, Bella,” she chided. “It’s no wonder you & Jake need a mediator. Look, Sam told me what he ‘heard’ and I believe I know what’s going on.”

“ _I_ don’t even know what’s going on,” I countered. "But I do know it has to stop."

“You were pretty messed up about that vampire.” She was looking at me with something close to pity.

_Great. I’m pathetic now, too._

“You know Sam’s the one who found you in the woods, and he hated seeing you like that. And we all know how desperate Charlie was when you didn’t bounce back. I know it took you forever to get…to a good place. And Jake’s been there for you?”

She paused to gauge my reaction, and I tried to keep a blank face.

“And now Jake’s so happy and in love he can’t think straight. Has he been…pushing things a bit further than you’re comfortable with?”

I quickly dropped my eyes to stare at the floor.

“Bella, I think you’re more _inexperienced_ than Jake realizes.”

My mouth was hanging open. Okay, _this_ was truly humiliating.

“You’re what? Eighteen?”

“Yes”

“How many boyfriends have you had, Bella?”

“One.” _Where is she going with this?_

“The vampire?”

I nodded.

“Aside from him, there’s been no one else…ah…close?”

I shook my head.

“You’re a hell of a lot smarter than the eighteen-year-olds I know,” she mused. “And since he was a vampire, I’m guessing there wasn’t much…well, things were pretty limited, weren’t they?”

Another nod. I _really_ didn't feel comfortable talking about it.

“That’s what I thought. And that’s exactly what I told Sam.”

Okay, my mouth was hanging open again.

“Don’t look so shocked, Bella. Sam’s a good man, and he looks out for his pack. Jake’s a mess when you’re upset with him, and it’s not good for his brothers. Lately he’s been a wreck, and it’s making things difficult for everyone.”

“That’s not _my_ fault,” I muttered.

“Well, it’s driving the rest of the pack nuts. We all know how Jake loves you, and he shouldn’t be left to screw it up just because he doesn’t know any better. Sam set him straight, though. Now that he understands why you’re so upset, he’ll be much easier to talk to.”

"It's really not like that, Emily. I'm not _naïve._ I _know_ what...goes on, and it's not like I have a problem with it. I'm just not...quite ready for all that...with Jacob."

"Exactly."

"Sam didn't tell Jake I'm..? He didn't make it seem like I'm..? Ughhh! I'm not a child! _Please, please_ tell me Sam didn't say something to embarrass me," I whined. "Jacob and I are supposed to be friends. Nothing more. I just need to explain that to him, and everything will be okay again."

She looked disappointed, but she smiled. "No one's laughing at you, Bella. And if that’s how you really feel about Jake, I suppose you should tell him that. But you’ll have to unlock your door first.”

I wanted to be mad at her for dragging Sam into this, for talking to Jake about things that were private. But she smiled at me so warmly that I couldn’t.

“Believe me, Bella, I’ve been there. I’m not going to give you some talk about love and lust and all that goes with it. But I know your mom’s not here, and I can’t imagine the Chief of Police and a pack of wolves are very easy to confide in. You’re in on our little secret, so that makes you one of us, even if you and Jake _are_ just friends. Unlike the guys, I am perfectly capable of keeping secrets, even from Sam if you want. So if you ever need to talk—“

I cut her off with a hug. I still didn’t want to face the pack, but I had to give Emily credit. I wasn’t crying anymore. Plus, I was considering unlocking my door sometime within the next month or two.

“Okay, Bella, about this bonfire. I asked the guys to wait in the truck, but if I know Sam, he and Jake have already left ahead of us. So it’s just you and me. Unless you don’t want to go?” she asked.

“I don’t know, Emily…”

“It would mean a lot to Jake. He’s feeling pretty guilty right now---and _really_ stupid---and he at least needs to know you’re okay. You’re not going to resolve this unless you talk to him. And I wouldn’t mind your keeping me company on the drive out there,” she said with a grin.

“Okay, I guess.” It was impossible to argue with her when she was being so kind. And I _did_ still need to talk to Jacob. I had to make him understand it was all a mistake, that we were friends. _Only_ friends. “But if I want to leave?”

“I’ll take you home the second you want out,” she assured me. “Now about this outfit…”

 

* * *

_**Jacob** _

Sam and Emily showed up at my house at five-thirty. Emily went straight to the kitchen and started cleaning up the mess Billy had made earlier. Sam pulled me into my room and shut the door.

“Jake, we need to talk.”

I almost laughed. That was the kind of thing I expected Bella to say, not Sam. “Okay, talk,” I said.

“It’s about Bella.”

That got my attention. “What about her?” I asked, suddenly worried.

“Emily thinks you need some advice, and I think she’s right.”

“Okay…” I said uncertainly, dropping to sit on the bed. _This should be interesting._

“Things with you and Bella have been kind of...volatile…since the other day, and it hasn’t been good for you. It hasn’t been good for any of us.”

“I know that, Sam, but it’s not a problem anymore," I explained quickly. "We talked today, and I think it’s all worked out. There’s really nothing to worry about.”

“So she told you?” he asked.

“Told me what?”

“That she’s…damn, I wish Emily was the one doing this.” He looked uncomfortable.

“That she’s what, Sam?” I was starting to get worried again.

“Look, Jake, I can’t have you distracted all the time. And I told Emily what’s been going on with you. She thinks the reason Bella keeps reacting the way she does, getting so mad at you, is because you’re moving too fast for her.”

“What do you mean _too fast_?” I asked suspiciously.

“You have to understand that I could only describe what I saw through your thoughts, Jake. And I only told Emily because I didn’t understand it myself. And if someone doesn't help you out, I might have to kill you,” he said with a wry smile.

“Just spit it out, Sam,” I said, my impatience showing.

“I don’t like talking about this, Jake. It’s really none of my business. But as long as you insist on seeing her…look. Emily thinks Bella’s a virgin. She’s probably never done half of the things you’re trying--or thinking about trying--with her. Emily says that’s what’s freaking her out.”

If I hadn't been so shocked at the words he'd just said, I'd have found the discomfort in his expression thoroughly entertaining. Instead, I was staring at him like he'd just spoken to me in some foreign language.

“Jake?”

“But…she’s eighteen! And I know I’m not the first guy she’s dated!” I’d be thrilled if Bella had never slept with anyone, but I couldn’t believe she was _that_ innocent. I had sisters, and they’d had _plenty_ of experience by the time they were my age. Bella just didn’t want to rush things…right?

“How many guys do you know about?”

“Just the bloodsucker. But Sam, you _know_ how she--you _know_ I didn’t do anything she didn’t want!” I insisted. “I stopped when she said to, and I didn’t try _anything_ today!” He _had_ to be wrong.

“No one’s accusing you of anything, Jake. Emily’s just saying…hell, _I’m_ just saying that Bella’s not used to this. Whatever it seems like she wants, she’s not ready for it. Just try to go at her pace--don’t let yourself get caught up in the moment.” He gave an exasperated sigh. “And if you need more advice, talk to Emily. She’s a hell of a lot better at this than I am.”

I was still sitting there in shock when he called Emily into my room.

“You okay, Jake?” she asked with concern.

“No.” How could I be?

“Leave us for a minute, Sam,” Emily said. She waited until he’d shut the door then sat down beside me. “It’s not as bad as you think.”

I couldn’t say anything. I just shook my head.

“Is she coming to the bonfire with you tonight?”

“I _think_ so. I told her I’d pick her up,” I said, not wanting to admit that she’d never actually said she’d come with me.

“She obviously loves you or she wouldn’t have put up with you this long,” she laughed. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

"What if she doesn't want to see me?"

"What if I go with you to pick her up?"

“Why didn’t she say anything to me?” I asked, not really expecting an answer. Then I remembered. She _had_ said something. Not in so many words, but she'd still said it. I was just too busy teasing her to pay attention. Bella was right. I _was_ stupid.

“Get your butt in the truck, Jake, or we’re going to be late to pick her up.”

________________________________________________________

Charlie expected me, but he looked a little surprised that I had Emily and Sam with me. Fortunately, he was good enough not to stare at Emily.

“Bella, Jake’s here!” he called up the stairway.

We heard movement upstairs, but after a minute or two of no answer and no Bella, Charlie went up after her.

“Bella?” I heard him say. “Bella, open the door.”

She’d locked him out? I should have expected as much. I shot Emily a panicked look.

“Don’t worry,” she said.

“Bella, are you okay? What are you doing in there?” Charlie was trying to coax Bella out of her room. She wasn’t coming.

He gave up quickly and came back downstairs. “I’m sorry. She says she’s not going,” he told us, looking uncomfortable.

“Do you mind if I talk to her, Charlie?” asked Emily.

“You’ll probably have to do it through a locked door, but be my guest.”

“Thanks. Sam, Jake, do you mind waiting in the truck?” Emily asked as she headed up the stairs.

Charlie shrugged at us apologetically and headed back into the living room. We went outside.

“Let’s go,” said Sam.

“I thought we were supposed to wait in the truck.”

“No, this is girl time. And I’ve had enough of that for one day,” he said, scowling. He phased and I followed.

We didn’t run, and we didn’t head straight to the bonfire. I didn’t bother wondering why, either. I just used the time to get my head together. I didn’t even care that Sam could hear all my thoughts.

When Bella had screamed at Charlie about an oversexed boy, she had been talking about _me_. At least I had stopped when she’d asked me to. I hadn’t even hesitated. And though I’d teased her a little about it, I hadn’t pushed any further this last time. Maybe she would realize that and forgive me. Bella knew I would never mean to hurt her, right? She _had_ to know that. We’d been friends for so long, and I’d never knowingly pushed her into anything. Except maybe into her room behind a locked door.

My stomach was in knots. How was I supposed to fix this? _Sorry, Bells, I thought you were easy_ , didn’t seem like such a good idea. And it wasn’t true either. I’d just assumed she was like every other girl I knew. But I should have known better. Bella wasn’t like anyone I’d ever known. Why should this be any different?

I just had to focus on the positives. Emily was with her now, and if anyone could fix the mess I’d made, it was her. She was a girl, she understood these things, and she could probably explain it better to Bella than I could. All I needed to do was apologize. A lot. Probably every day for the rest of my life.

And it was probably selfish of me, but I liked knowing that she was all mine, that she hadn't _really_ been with anyone. Even if she made me keep my hands to myself from now on. And maybe later, much later, she’d consider redrawing those lines a little. That thought alone nearly brought me out of my depression.

Before I realized it, we were at Sam & Emily’s house, the bonfire burning brightly in the backyard and Sam’s truck parked near the back door. Emily was here. I could only pray that Bella was with her.

 


	6. Surrender

“So tell me about Arizona,” Emily prodded. “I can’t imagine living somewhere with no rain!”

We were on our way to the bonfire in La Push, and I was beginning to feel a lot better. Jacob would be waiting for me, I knew, but I wasn’t scared of facing him. I was a little nervous about facing the rest of the pack, since they obviously knew every detail about us, but Emily had assured me that they were all used to knowing way too much, and they wouldn’t make a big deal of it. I was embarrassed enough about what they must know of _my_ time with Jacob. I couldn’t imagine what it must be like for Emily since she and Sam were clearly living together. Either it didn’t bother her at all, or she was really good at hiding it. I got the feeling she just accepted it as part of life with her werewolf.

She’d convinced me to change clothes before we left. Well, not change completely, but she got me to ditch the shapeless look I had going. The flannel shirt was too comfortable and warm to give up, so we agreed to leave it unbuttoned. It didn’t reveal much of the tank top underneath, so I didn’t argue. But apparently the ratty old jeans had to go. We settled on another pair, equally baggy, but a decidedly better cut. The boots were unnecessary, too, as I wasn’t going to be doing any hiking, so she tossed a pair of slip-on sneakers at me, and we were good to go. I was happy that I was completely covered, and she was happy that I wasn’t dressed like a man.

I told her everything I could think of about my old home in Phoenix; about the dry air, the constant sunlight, the open deserts. She was fascinated by the weather, but what she really liked were my stories about Renee. By the time we got to the party, we were laughing about the time Renee reported her car stolen because she’d forgotten where she parked at the mall.

I’d assumed we would be at the beach, but apparently this bonfire was being held in her backyard. She drove around and parked near the back door as I my eyes searched the crowd around the fire for Jacob.

“Don’t worry, Bella. If they’re not here yet, they will be soon.” I guess my anxiety was obvious. “Let’s go inside and you can help me in the kitchen. Unless you were looking for someone other than Jake?” she teased.

Definitely not. I followed her inside, and we threw ourselves into the finishing touches on enough food to feed an army. If we were lucky, it might just be enough for the enormous boys who made up the pack. We were practically in hysterics over my latest Renee story when I heard the door open. Emily stopped laughing, and I turned around to see Sam walk in, followed by Jacob.

“Sam, help me take all this out,” she said quickly, turning around at the door to wink at me.

I spun back around to pull the bread out of the oven, suddenly not sure if I could face him, and I heard the door close again. Had Jacob walked back outside with them? Would I ever get up the nerve to turn around and see if he was still there? I set the bread on the counter and slowly exhaled. How long had I been holding my breath? Then he was there. I could feel him--rather, his astonishing warmth--right behind me. I turned the oven off and waited.

“Bella?” he whispered.

What was I supposed to say? I turned around, staring at the floor. _I don't know if I can do this..._

“Sam told me…he said Emily thinks…” he started, trailing off quietly.

At least I wasn't the only one having a hard time with this.

“Bella, I’m _so_ sorry. I didn’t...I should have...tell me how to fix this, _”_ he begged.

I wanted to look at him, but my eyes weren’t cooperating. I brought my gaze up slightly, but I was frozen there. Then, I couldn’t help but smile, even if it was weak.

“You’re wearing a shirt,” I marveled. I didn’t think I’d ever seen Jacob dressed like this before. It was a dark, long-sleeved, button-up shirt, the kind Charlie wore when he had to look nice but didn’t feel like dressing up. It wasn’t tight at all, but there was no mistaking the shape of all those muscles beneath it. He’d left it untucked. The sleeves were pushed up to his elbows, and the top few buttons were undone, revealing dark copper skin beneath. Jacob looked all grown up. Then again, I guess he was now.

“And you’re wearing two,” he countered, snapping me back to the moment.

“I’m not as warm as you are," I answered faintly.

“You have to forgive me, Bells," he pleaded. “You  _have_  to.” 

So much for small-talk, I thought. “I don’t know what Sam told you, but it’s not… I’m not mad anymore, Jake. I just think…” I trailed off, looking up at him. What _did_ I think? It was hard to remember when he was right there, so close to me. We _should_ just be friends. I _knew_ that. But when I looked at him, when I saw everything his eyes were saying, I couldn’t _believe_ that.

“Do you still want…?” _Stupid words. They were never there when I needed them._

“More than anything,” he whispered.

His eyes were so soft, so sad. He looked guilt-ridden and miserable and scared. And so beautiful. I stepped forward and laid my head against his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist. His heartbeat thundered in my ear and I felt his arms hesitantly close around me. It felt like home.

“Does this mean I’m forgiven?” he asked after a moment, his voice shaking.

“On one condition,” I replied.

“Anything.”

I raised my head to look into his sad eyes again and placed my hand on his face.

“Kiss me,” I said, almost too quietly.

His face lowered slowly toward mine, his eyes filled with uncertainty. This kiss was tender and better than I could have imagined. His lips were soft and warm, his mouth gently pressed to mine. My hands glided over his chest--it was so odd to touch fabric there instead of bare skin--and around his neck. He was unbelievably tender..and hesitant. I traced his lower lip with my tongue and his hesitation faded. Finally. The taste of him filled my mouth, and I slid my arms around him, pulling myself to him. Maybe I was making another huge mistake, but would a mistake feel like this? He caught my lip between his teeth and I gasped.

He froze for a second. I moved closer, and his hands clutched my waist, pulling me to him. My head was swimming and heat surged through my veins. I slid my hand under the back of his shirt and shuddered at the smooth warmth at my fingertips. I couldn't believe how quickly I'd changed my mind...but it felt right. _He_ felt right.

“So _now_ am I forgiven?” he breathed against my lips.

“I’ll have to think about it,” I teased, brushing my lips down where his chest peeked out of his shirt.

“Okay, you two, enough! I’m starving!” Embry announced as he grabbed a platter off the counter. Jared and Paul were on his heels, quickly disappearing out the door with all that was left.

“I guess we should join them?” Jacob asked.

“Do we have to?”

“I think so,” he replied with a smile. “Emily would kill me if I crossed any lines in her kitchen.”

* * *

_**Jacob** _

They weren’t outside, so they had to be in the kitchen. I stopped just outside the back door, afraid to go in. What if Emily hadn’t been able to convince her? What if she hadn’t come? Sam could sense my fear.

“She’s in there, Jake. Trust me.”

I took a deep breath and followed Sam inside.

They were laughing when we walked in. Emily was facing us, and she stopped laughing when she saw us. Bella had her back to us but she turned around when Emily quieted. When she saw me she just stared, an unreadable expression on her face.

“Sam, help me take all this out,” said Emily, and in an instant, they had left us.

Bella spun back around to face the other way. _She's still mad at me. Maybe now's not the time to talk._ But surely she wouldn’t have come if she wasn’t ready to talk to me.

She took something out of the oven and set it on the counter, then just stood there with her back to me. She wasn’t going to turn around. I walked up behind her, not sure what to do. I wanted to hold her, but I was afraid to touch her. Touching her had gotten me into enough trouble already.

“Bella?” I said quietly.

She turned around, her eyes to the ground. At least she was facing my direction, even if she wouldn’t look at me. I had to go on before I lost my nerve.

“Sam told me…he said Emily thinks…” I felt like an idiot. I didn’t know what to say, or how to say it, but in the end it really didn’t matter. All that mattered was how sorry I was. “Bella, I’m _so_ sorry. I didn’t...I should have...tell me how to fix this. _”_

She raised her head a little, but she still didn't really look at me, and I braced myself for the worst. _This is it. I blew my chance. What if she doesn't even want to be friends anymore?_

Then she said, “You’re wearing a shirt.”

If I hadn’t been so scared of losing her, I would have laughed. Leave it to Bella to say something so random when the whole world was falling apart.

“And you’re wearing two,” I said, going along with her odd train of thought.

“I’m not as warm as you are.”

I couldn’t hold it back any longer. “You have to forgive me, Bells. You _have_ to.” It sounded like I was begging, and I couldn't help it. I was.

“I don’t know what Sam told you, but it’s not…I’m not mad anymore, Jake. I just think…” She paused and looked up at me.

I was afraid to say anything. She looked confused for a second, like she was searching for something. Then something indefinable in her expression changed.

“Do you still want…?”

“More than anything,” I whispered, not caring what I'd just agreed to. When it came to Bella, it didn't matter what the question was. I just _wanted_.

She looked so lost and vulnerable. I wanted so badly to sweep her into my arms and never let her go, but I was still afraid to touch her. I held my breath as she stepped forward and lay her head against my chest. Her hands crept around my waist and I slowly wrapped my arms around her.

“Does this mean I’m forgiven?” I asked, waiting for the answer that it seemed my entire existence hinged upon.

“On one condition,” she said.

“Anything.”

She looked up and placed one small hand on my cheek.

“Kiss me.”

If she only knew how terrifying that condition was. I wanted to kiss her. I _needed_ to kiss her. But I didn’t want to do anything wrong. I kissed her gently but with all the love I had. I felt her hands roam up my chest, then around my neck, and I began to relax. Her tongue slid over my lip and I deepened the kiss, breathing her in, tasting her. She pressed closer, and I nipped at her lip. She gasped.

 _Oh, God. Too much. I’ve done it again,_ I thought.

But before I could back away she pressed closer, throwing herself into the kiss. I grabbed her waist and closed the space between us as her hands slipped under the back of my shirt. Sam’s warning sounded in my head and I forced myself to pause. _Don't screw this up!_

“So _now_ am I forgiven?” I said, my lips still touching hers.

“I’ll have to think about it,” she said.

“Okay, you two, enough! I’m starving,” Embry announced, busting through the door. I was going to have to talk to him about his timing. Jared and Paul were right behind him, grabbing some food and then leaving again.

“I guess we should join them?” I said.

“Do we have to?” She sounded disappointed.

I had to smile. “I think so. Emily would kill me if I crossed any lines in her kitchen.”

**Author's Note:**

> FYI: Each chapter will be told from both characters POVs. It started this way because I was interested in exploring two perspectives of the same scene, and I'd only planned to write a few chapters. Somehow it just exploded.
> 
> Rated M, not because things are going to get lemony but because this fic was really walking a fine line between T & M, so I thought I'd play it safe. Plus, I like to cuss. A lot. And I may want to do that sometime, so I'm thinkin' ahead. As always, lemons are reserved for the sequel. This one is still essentially teen-safe and that's not gonna change. A little unresolved sexual tension never killed anyone, right? Maybe?


End file.
